9.17.2006

Can't Sleep

Since Wednesday, I’ve been holding myself together. I'm really good at it. I’ve cried, but only at home by myself, or behind the closed door of my office. When I speak to friends, I tell them that I am ok, and then I find ways to make the current situation entertaining.

What I want to do is have a temper tantrum.

I want to throw myself on the ground and scream and kick and wail. I want to be a spectacle. Because you don’t get to hold my hand and look into my eyes and say the things that you've said, then abruptly pull away less than a week later. It’s not fair that you’re starting a new relationship while I’m left holding the terminated possibility of ours. And it’s not okay with me that I can’t say or do anything that will change the circumstances.

I really liked you. I now hate that I really liked you.

Why didn’t I know that the last date, the one where we went a little deeper, the one that convinced me that there was something worth holding onto, was indeed, our last date? I think you knew, and I wonder why you couldn't say goodbye in person.

Perhaps the biggest injustice of all is that I am expected to move through this world as an adult; to accept, grow, and learn from this little episode. It would be so much easier if I could just have a fit and then go on with my day...

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