Can't Sleep

Since Wednesday, I’ve been holding myself together. I'm really good at it. I’ve cried, but only at home by myself, or behind the closed door of my office. When I speak to friends, I tell them that I am ok, and then I find ways to make the current situation entertaining.

What I want to do is have a temper tantrum.

I want to throw myself on the ground and scream and kick and wail. I want to be a spectacle. Because you don’t get to hold my hand and look into my eyes and say the things that you've said, then abruptly pull away less than a week later. It’s not fair that you’re starting a new relationship while I’m left holding the terminated possibility of ours. And it’s not okay with me that I can’t say or do anything that will change the circumstances.

I really liked you. I now hate that I really liked you.

Why didn’t I know that the last date, the one where we went a little deeper, the one that convinced me that there was something worth holding onto, was indeed, our last date? I think you knew, and I wonder why you couldn't say goodbye in person.

Perhaps the biggest injustice of all is that I am expected to move through this world as an adult; to accept, grow, and learn from this little episode. It would be so much easier if I could just have a fit and then go on with my day...