Faith Restored

Dear Kevin:

Last night you found my cell phone in a cab. Thankfully, you didn't turn it in to the driver, which would have ensured that it would have been buried forever in some ginormous New York City Taxi and Livery Commission lost-and-found. Instead you called the last number I had dialed, spoke with esb, and made arrangements for me to pick up the phone with your doorman.

THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU! While you were speaking to my friend, DJ and I were trying to strategize how I was going to write my mediation paper and go to Verizon and somehow manage to be available at 6:00 pm for my volunteeer shift. Oh, and find $300.00 to replace my phone.

My eternal thanks,

PS: You sound cute on the phone. Can I buy you a drink sometime?


Oh, It's On

I just got a dress for graduation! And, owing to my budget and the cost of the dress, this will also be worn to my social work 'gala' and MS & Groom's wedding...


Wisdom, From Me To You

  • If you're hosting a gay wedding shower, and looking for theme ideas, googling 'gay wedding shower' will not produce the intended results.
  • It's an especially bad idea to google this term while at work.
  • Old Navy flip flops are not the recommended footwear when walking 3.5 miles to school.
  • A long day spent researching and writing a paper is best followed by spending time with an ultra-supportive friend.
  • If a Corona and a taco become part of the plan, it's even better.
  • Online shopping for a new dress for your end-of-the-year social work gala is a good use of your time.
  • Job hunting is a demoralizing process which can paralyze your self-esteem.
  • Discussions regarding the state of your current romantic relationship are best left alone until you're averaging at least 5 hours of sleep per night.
  • When everything in your life after May 4th is undefined and undecided, the best you can do is close your eyes, smile, and take the leap, trusting that everything will happen as it should.
  • And maybe smoke some cigarettes along the way.

Follow Through

Oh, this is the start of something good
Don't you agree?
I haven't felt like this in so many moons
You know what I mean?
And we can build through this destruction
As we are standing on our feet
So, since you want to be with me
You'll have to follow through
With every word you say
And I, all I really want is you
You to stick around
I'll see you everyday
But you have to follow through
You have to follow through
These reeling emotions they just keep me alive
They keep me in tune
Oh, look what I'm holding here in my fire
This is for you
Am I too obvious to preach it?
You're so hypnotic on my heart
So, since you want to be with me
You'll have to follow through
With every word you say
And I, all I really want is you
You to stick around
I'll see you everyday
But you have to follow through
You have to follow through
The words you say to me are unlike anything
That's ever been said
And what you do to me is unlike anything
That's ever been
Am I too obvious to preach it?
You're so hypnotic on my heart
So, since you want to be with me
You'll have to follow through
With every word you say
And I, all I really want is you
(For) you to stick around
I'll see you everyday
But you'll have to follow through
With every word you say
An I, all I really want is you (For) you to stick around
I'll see everyday
But you have to follow through
You have to follow through
You're gonna have to follow
Oh, this is the start of something good
Don't you agree?

*Gavin Degraw

- You're either with me or against me. Figure it out.



Curernt Music: 'Murder on the Dancefloor' - Sophie Ellis Bextor

I'm in the school computer lab where I've once again taken up residence. I'm slightly hungover from MS and Groom's wedding shower last night. There are bags under my eyes and a developing pimple on my chin. My cell phone battery is almost dead. My iPod is on shuffle, and that battery is dying too. I have no idea what my hair looks like, or how much smudged mascara I'm wearing. My current attire: a battered t-shirt and jeans that are badly in need of laundering. Since I woke up this morning, I've had a cupcake, some wheat thins and a diet coke. I haven't been home in three days. I miss my apartment. I miss the outside world. I miss my friends and I miss A.

The final finals. Thank god.


Bad Timing

Current Music: 'Roads' - Portishead

I think I'm getting sick today. I thought it might just be job fair jitters, but I have no appetite. I'm exhausted, but I can't sleep. I feel all weak and shaky, like my legs could collapse from under me.

Too bad I have a shitload of work to do...


On The Table

Today, it's all about choices.
  • Go to see my friend J's band in Park Slope OR go to the social work building and study?
  • Iced Venti Skim Mocha OR Iced Venti Soy Mocha? (the venti is non-negotiable)
  • Apply for a job working with the exact population/social issue that I'm interested in which will barely pay my rent OR apply for a hospital job that is somewhat close to what I'm looking for, with a higher salary?
  • Go to yoga OR go running?
  • Lunch: peanut butter M&M's OR grilled chicken and brussel sprouts?


That's How I Roll

In the midst of the gorgeousness of this past Saturday, I went to the Boat Basin Cafe to meet up with DM and her sister for a few drinks. Because I had spent the morning in the park in the sun, and hadn't eaten much that day, I was a little bit drunk by the time I came home. The funny part of this story is that I was also a little bit indignant.

Picture this: me, attemtping to swagger but there's more stumbling than swaggering, in my new wedge espadrilles and my new jeans (which I wear all the time), sunburned, shivering slightly in my tank top, on the phone with The Lawyer, yelling about how hot I am and What's wrong with him? and Is he fucking crazy? and It's his loss. And this is all taking place among the crowds of people who are waiting to get into various Broadway shows, who are watching me, their unexpected pre-show entertainment.


Good Things

Monday morning, I'm exhausted and a little shaky, so I'm looking for some things to be happy about.

  • I am wearing my J. Crew khakis, which haven't fit for the past two years
  • There is a lot of coffee at my internship
  • The sun is shining
  • I'm going to yoga tonight with my favorite teacher, Stacey
  • I'm getting together with DJ after that
  • School will be over in 3 short weeks


Spring in New York

Current music: 'Unemployed Boyfriend' - Everclear

Last night, The Lawyer and I went to an early movie, and then met up with MS for drinks at the new gay bar in my neighborhood, which is pretty fuckin' fabulous. There's this giant window on the second floor which looks onto 51st Street, so you can sit with your drink and watch the parade of people walking by. Downstairs, there's flavor-infused vodka and a bricked patio area. After a drink or three, The Lawyer journeyed home and MS and I went to Druid's for another drink (I've really embraced this whole drinking thing again, apparently). Over vodka and soda, we had a not-entirely-clear conversation about how our careers are similar in that we both want to save the world (or something close to that, the details are hazy. I'm mean, I do want to save the world, but I think it's kind of a big job, and there are times when I'm not sure that I'm up for that kind of challenge. I'd probably like to have time for other stuff, like a personal life. If I'm engaged with saving the world, do I have time for a boyfriend?). Eventually, we wandered outside, speculating about how The Mosaic building is going to change 10th Avenue, and then stood outside our apartments and talked for another hour [Sidenote: it is amazing when one of your closest friends lives directly across the street from you. Trust me on this.]. All the while, we were surrounded by the fragrance of hyacinths on display at the corner deli.

And as I stood there, laughing and talking, watching the throngs of people on 9th Avenue who were celebrating the warm weather, I figured out that I am the luckiest person in the world. It didn't hurt that I was a little tipsy, had squeezed myself into my new jeans and that I'm in the midst of the start of something very good.



I am about to head home after a really busy week. During this week, I saw 7 clients, successfully presented and defended my clinical case to my work colleagues, celebrated DM getting a job (yay!!!), attended 3 classes and went on a date. I also somehow managed to get to the gym every day.

I fear the near future when I no longer have Fridays off in which to recover. Perhaps I should consider negotiating for a 4-day work week, if I ever schedule a job interview.



I took my cranky ass home from work early last night, went to yoga, and had some sushi. I feel much better today. Apologies to:

  • L & J...who were very sweetly were making plans to come to New York for my graduation (which, btw., falls on a Wednesday at 2:00 pm and is convenient for absolutely no-one) and were told that I could care less about going to the ceremony if this 'fucking degree isn't going to get me a fucking job that will pay my fucking rent'.
  • The Lawyer...who received several incoherent e-mails which railed against all of the (imagined) injustices in my life.
  • My neighbors...who endured a very loud hour of the 'Fuck You' mix on my JBL iPod speaker system.
  • The woman...who I glared at on the subway from 110th Streeet to 59th Street because I felt that she was not respectful of my personal space.
  • DJ...who also received some very paranoid e-mails while she was in the midst of accepting a job offer and informing her current internship that she was not going to be working there next year.
  • Pretty much everyone...at JFK airport.
  • A...who indulged my random musings about skipping the next month of school, not completing my degree, and moving to Vermont.


Welcome to the Jungle

My friend DJ is very sweet. She always thinks the best of people, and hates to even watch anything mildly violent. She goes out of her way to be kind and generous. Sometimes I wonder how we became such close friends, given my tendency to be a bitch most of the time.

But it's times like this morning that I don't question it at all.

We had a 6:00 am flight from Burlington back to New York. When we arrived in the JetBlue area, we marched right up to the express check-in, only to be told that we needed to wait in line to use the kiosk. This obviously made no sense as a) there were three available terminals which no-one was using, b) we weren't checking luggage and c) we hadn't had any coffee yet. I rolled my eyes and stepped to the end of the line. DJ, however, wasn't having any of it. She got in line with me, but proceeded to loudly question the directive of the JetBlue employee, and then verbally accosted the startled family of four in front of us. She continued her outrage during security clearance, onto our flight, and possibly through most of the NYC transit system.

And it was awesome.



I've been in Vermont for the past two days, and my escape from New York couldn't have come at a better time. I feel like I can breathe up here.

Several friends (JP, DM) will be happy to know that I am officially off the wagon. After 67 days of sobriety, I decided to have an overpriced drink at JFK before our Friday night flight up to Burlington. The drinking has continued for much of the weekend.

I'm currently watching DJ, in her plaid pajamas, freaking out because our host, BC, only has decaf coffee. I might freak out too.
We're plotting to get BC to walk down the street to Speeder and Earl's to fetch some for us.

...and he's going.

I can't really say that I want to return to NYC any time soon.



I just found the best time-waster ever! If you go to the CareerBuilder website, you can send people a 'monk-e-mai'l. You basically type in whatever message you want, and the monkey says it.


And no, I'm not providing the link. Lazy today...



I just picked up my last stipend check from Columbia. While it's always nice to have extra spending money (which will certainly be appreciated this weekend in Vermont) the amount makes me laugh. The check covers the work I do with my internship. I work approximately 300 hours per semester - this semester will probably be closer to 400 hours - and the check is for $200. This means I am making about .66 per hour. Very rewarding.

Also, there is an extremely cranky man working at the Columbia gym desk who all but accused me of trying to steal a towel this morning. Fucking clown.


I Know What It Is When I See It

Irony: I'm reading 'Getting to Yes' for my mediation class, when it seems that I need to learn to say no.

Good Job, Ridiculous

Sometimes I am the stupidest stupid that ever, um, stupided. And that would definitely include last night, and almost definitely this morning.

You'd think I'd have compiled some kind of wisdom (particularly in the realm of relationships) in my 33 years. No, no, and no.

It's going to be a long day. I have a lot on my schedule, and the rest of my time will be spent beating myself up.



I woke at 5:49 am this morning. But I wasn't sure if it was really 5:49 or 4:49, because of the time change. I think my phone automatically switches the time, and it said 5:49 on the phone. My alarm clock also read 5:49, but I wasn't sure that it was advanced enough to automatically switch the time for daylight savings.

Instead of telling myself that it was just early, no matter what time it was, and going back to sleep, I started a quest. I stumbled down the hall to the kitchen, to check the microwave clock. 5:49. Huh. I looked outside. There were people walking down the street who didn't look like they were just coming home from the bars. Hm. It was fairly light out, but the city always looks fairly light to me. The sky was a bluish gray color, which could have been happening at either 4:49 or 5:49.

For some reason, I didn't think to turn on the television, which probably could have provided an accurate reading on one of the local channels. Instead, I crawled back into bed, but I couldn't get back to sleep. This is the way it's been lately - I wake without the alarm at a ridiculously early hour and start stressing out about the end of school and the job market.

So now it's 2:13/3:13 in the afternoon and I'm exhausted.

I think I got more sleep when I had bedbugs.