toilet paper, site meters and letting go. there is no such place as "almost really happy" arh

when i moved into the city a few months ago i told hrr that i was so excited to live near the kmart so i could buy my paper products in bulk. that earned a look and a "why"? i said that i liked knowing that i wouldn't run out or have to make fifteen trips to the store to buy one roll at a time. as i analyze this exchange i realize it's not about paper products. i mean it is, but it's not. so after a long analysis (that i will spare you) freud says that the lawyer has a problem living without a safety net. safety nets of all kinds, paper products, people, places, etc. it's like i'm 35 and still have the training wheels on as i navigate my through many parts of my life.

which leads me to site meters. did you know that every time you visit a blog/journal online that your visit is tracked by the ip address? did you know that every place you go on the blog/journal, and every search that you do, is also tracked? i did not know this. i learned something new. the hard way. let's say, for example, that someone that you have had a relationship with (any kind of romantic relationship of any length of time)has a blog/journal. while you are part of their life you are given full access to the blog/journal, you like to read that
blog/journal and sometimes you're a part of it. it's cool, it's fun to see your name on the screen. now let's say that you break up (assume like all break ups it's bad. even good break ups are bad. if they weren't then you'd still be together). as part of the break up you are asked not to visit the blog/journal. you listen. for a while. then, because you're a real f***ing cowboy, who either doesn't know about, or worse, doesn't care about, the big brother site meter, you visit the blog/journal. and sometimes you're even selfish and arrogant enough to search for your own name. this all translates to "you have a really hard time letting go of the past and living in the present."

which brings us to the letting go and taking the training wheels off. what i have learned, and pray that i will continue to follow as faithfully, if not more so, as i have over the last 48 hours, is that if you don't like the view then you need to change your seat. if there is somewhere/something/someone else you would rather be then go there, or at least try to go there and see what happens. and if you don't make it there then you need to make the best of where you are and not look back. you cannot recreate the past and chances are that where you are is actually a pretty good place to be. enjoy it.

an example of not letting go is you reading a blog/journal of someone who asked you not to. on top of it, you're actually hurting someone that you supposedly care about because they see it every time you log on. you get access to their life, but they get none to yours. and all you're doing is staying stuck in a really unhealthy place and not moving forward. don't get me wrong, in this hypothetical situation, the letting go and moving on really, really hurts. you want that someone/something/somewhere to still be in your life, even in this completely detached and dysfunctional way. but it's really the feeling that it gave you that you're holding on to, not so much the actual someone/something/somewhere. and you can't get that feeling again, for real, if you stay in that place.

so you do the right thing and you say goodbye to the blog/journal, you say goodbye to the someone/something/somewhere, you take the training wheels off and ride downhill with no hands into your future. of course, you may hit a rock and fly over the handle bars and break your arm and scratch up your face, but, maybe not.


there really is no free lunch

today was the last day for one of our file clerks so the firm ordered in lunch for everyone. we all eat together in the conference room. it's actually kind of nice is a professional camaraderie sort of way. i ordered a corned beef sandwich on rye. unfortunately, it was the worst corned beef sandwich that i've ever eaten in my life. there was so much fat that i spent about 10 minutes trying to trim it off. still disgusting. so i had about 5 carefully placed bites and a pickle. very disappointing. i thought the free lunch would be the highlight of my day. wrong.
i was starving at 5pm so i went and had a mister softee cone. so far, that is the highlight of the day.
the date with d last night went well. i probably won't see her again until the week of the 13th due to our conflicting schedules.
looking forward to the 3 day weekend!!!!!!!


on a good note...

the whole partner/couch thing was uneventful. i'm glad. i like the guy. i don't want to be guest blogging about his pain. still. it's not unusual to have a couch in your office, but, it's funny when the couch takes up a 1/3 of the office.

tonight i'm going out with d again. i think i'm excited. i really need to keep myself in check though. lately,with dating, i've been so focused on who the girl isn't rather than who she is. make sense? i'd like tonight to be different. i don't want to compare. it's not fair to her, or to me.

finally, someone who is more of a mess than me or anyone i know

here's the deal: i've been emailing this girl from an internet "dating" site since late june. no harm right. bottom line is that we've made plans three times. that's right, three times, and she's canceled each time. i finally got it out of her, thanks to my cross examination skills, that she still lives with her "ex" gf in brooklyn. the last time we were supposed to meet for a drink was at catty shack in brooklyn, a club/bar that i have never been to. she canceled on me that day at 2pm saying that her "ex" was going to be home that night so she couldn't get out, since, of course, the "ex" doesn't know that she's on these websites looking for sex/love/romance. i obviously did not call her back. that was two weeks ago. i checked my email today and found this with the subject line "try, try again and again":
So sorry for all the false starts. I'll try calling again over the next couple of days. Let me know if I shouldn't bother. It would certainly be understandable!

to which i, justifiably, i think, responded with:
i am almost speechless at your email. almost. i really don't understand what it is that you want. you have canceled plans on me three times. there is a whole lot of drama here that has done nothing but waste my time. for what? a drink? i don't have time to work this hard for, well, nothing. it's annoying. frankly, i think that you might be a little crazy. you certainly haven't broken up with your gf. that's obvious. please, tell me why i should make plans with you again. i'd really like to know what it is that you think you have to offer me. i've offered up a tremendous amount of patience but i'm all out now.

i'm only sorry that hrr is not here to read this in real time.


sleep on this/office hijinks

after everyone left the office i laid on the couch. lindsay wagner would not endorse this couch as a sleep number couch. the cushions are kind of hard and slope towards the back of the couch. i'm so afraid that i'm going to be asked to fluff a pillow.


the date went well. thanks for the volunteer!!! luckily i didn't need it. the girl ("d") was cool. in high school she was goth and she played soccer and she was in all sorts of ap classes. i wish she had gone to my high school. today she works for a pharmaceutical company and is all professional. i'm still trying to picture her in adidas track pants at soccer practice. hopefully i'll see her again. she's short though. not that i have anything against short people. i'm one of them, trapped in midgetville at 5' 4", but this girl is like 5' tall. i tower over her. the question is will intelligent, pretty, responsible, employed, funny and athletic outweigh short. jury is still out on that one.

speaking of juries, court was over early and my trip to target was a success. i bought a lot of laundry detergent and tissues. there's a long sleeve t-shirt and a bra in there somewhere too. bottomline about target, walmart, kmart, etc. is that you can never go in for just one thing. it sucks you in and makes you open your wallet. damn the economy size kleenex.

good news. the partner's couch arrived. it's brown leather will three sections so i guess it's long enough for him to lie down on. he's no taller than 5' 9" so he'll fit. this whole couch business is bizarre. i'm wondering how he's going to make it to work in the first place. he lives on long island in nassau county somewhere. i don't know if he's taking the train or driving. what's he going to do? sprawl out in the aisle on the lirr after half an hour? by the time he gets to work he'll be in so much pain that he'll be popping vicodin like candy and pass out on the couch. i'll keep you posted on this professional development.

prison break (arh "prison bitch")is apparently back on tv for the fall season. i forgot to tivo it so i'm going to my friend's house for chinese or thai food and some prison bitch (we'll call him hh for howard hughes). we'll see how the week develops.


torrance says it's a cheerocracy not a democracy

i just read the comments from my initial guest post. my apologies for not posting more often. i would never want to do anything to upset the citizens of ridiculousstan or disappoint hrr. guest poster is an appointed position in this kingdom and i will not forget that.
potential highlights/lowlights/blog posts for the upcoming week:
date on monday. should be interesting. meeting at the whiskey bar at 7:30 for a drink and then dinner somewhere. i may need a volunteer to call me at 8:00 to give me an out with an "emergency" (wink wink) in case i need one?
tuesday or wed one of the partners is returning to work after back surgery. he's been out for over a month. in a twisted way i kind of miss him. he's completely manic and everything is a crisis. he reminds me of me like that so it's fun to have him around. the interesting part to this is that he can't sit up or stand for more than a half hour at a time. his recovery is not going as quickly as planned. he had to rent a couch so that he can be horizontal for portions of the day. that is going to be so bizarre. it sounds like a seinfeld episode. should be a real humdinger (arh) of a week at work.
renting a car on tuesday to go to nj for work. plan to go to the target in hackensack. i love going to target.

much needed, mostly boring weekend

friday night i experienced an amazing view of the manhattan skyline from long island city, queens. a friend from college and i had dinner at a french restaurant that i cannot remember the name of on vernon blvd. the food was good but not out of this world. it was relaxing to wander down to the water telling stories about things we did 15 years ago and winding our way to where we are today.
my friend (j.s.) helped put a few things in perspective for me. when i explained to her my adventures over the last few weeks, she surprised me with her response. she said don't be reckless, i don't want to see you hurt not just emotionally but physically. don't do something you'll regret. hello. wake up call. i knew i'd been acting careless, definitely, but had to admit that i have been leaning into reckless territory. my version of reckless is far more vanilla than most people but you have to know that something is wrong when you billed 25 hours in a week and had dinner at 1am on three consecutive weekday nights. the lights are on, and someone is finally home again.
that's why on friday night i actually passed up an invite to cubbyhole. i went home and watched the new episode of south of nowhere, which is the most lesbo-tastic show on t.v. at the moment. which reminds me that mrs. ellen degeneres (portia de rossi) is on nip/tuck this season and will be knocking boots with joely richardson. october cannot come soon enough.
the rest of the weekend consisted of watching tv, saving all my cd's to transfer to my ipod, eating and a pedicure.


guest post

hi everyone--
i wanted to thank our fearless leader (the ridiculous chick)for inviting me to guest post while she is on vacation. for that i am going to refer to her from here on out as "hrr" for "her royal ridiculousness."

thanks yous all around for this past saturday night. i'd like to send a shout out to whoever in cuba (not arh) for creating the mojito. in particular the tasty variation known in my world as the pineapple mojito that i enjoyed at the restaurant good (which has the most amazing veal meatballs and mushroom polenta and a very creative brunch menu). i am eternally grateful to russia for introducing me to my new bff, stoli blueberry. stoli was at cubbyhole (a neighborhood lesbian bar on w. 4th and w. 12th for anyone interested) with her cousin club soda. thanks to stoli i had a spectacular saturday night and had more than 5 recommended daily servings of fruit between 10pm and 4am.


I'm Out

After much harranguing and harassing, The Lawyer has agreed to be my guest blogger.

She was worried about 'posting every day' and 'being funny'. I told her that I am rarely either of those things. Or doing either of those things. Or something. In other words, no pressure.

Of the blog, she's promised to 'gay it up'.

Meanwhile, I'm feeling a little better about leaving. Even though I'm going to be away for a long time, B has promised that he will have absolutely no fun while I am gone. I do hope that's the case.

Layta, peeps!



I'm feeling...peculiar. Halfway between anxious and upset. Had a strange night out last night, and not feeling good about leaving the city behind for two weeks.

A little introspection/check-up/check-in is needed in order to figure out why.

I'll be right back with you. In the meantime, a Boston Creme donut might aid in the thinking process.


Here. But Not Here.

Still in the bubble. Still getting ready to go on vacation. It's possible that one of my book club girls, H, will be guest blogging in my absence. Or The Lawyer, although I haven't asked her yet.

I haven't yet told B about the blog. It nearly came up last night, because he randomly found his journal from an English class during his freshman year of college (which we spent an hour reading and laughing about). I don't know. While there is nothing on here that should come as a surprise to him (we've talked about pretty much everything) it could be strange.

I also wonder how knowing that he's reading will impact my writing.

Questions for another time. For the rest of today, there's 3 more hours of work, then drinks with EG. And maybe, just maybe, actually staying in my own apartment tonight and getting some sleep.

Craziness. I know.


Highs and Lows

B and I are still in that crazy bubble where we can't seem to get enough of each other. I think I was home in my apartment for a total of about 1/2 hour this weekend. Could be relationship newness, could be that I'm leaving Friday for a 2 week vacation and we're storing up as much time together as possible.

I did emerge from the B-ness, however, to go on a training run on Saturday. The planned distance was 7 miles (which is still behind where I should be at this point, but a realistic and achievable goal).

Right around mile 5, I suddenly felt myself swaying and my vision went temporarily black. Luckily, I stopped running before I passed out completely and fell. I sat for a while, in the shade, feeling increasingly weak and nauseous, but had forgotten to bring water, money or a cell phone with me. So I tried to send telepathic messages for help. When none arrived, I eventually hauled myself up and very, very slowly walked home.

I spent the rest of the day in B's air conditioned apartment, alternately napping and drinking water.

Looking back, I think the hot day, the route that had no shade, and not properly hydrating all contributed to the problem. I'm still kinda shook up about it this morning, even though I understand what happened and why.

I feel a big marathon decision coming my way.


Hey Now, Hey Now

The day started off pretty badly: I got stuck on the subway for 25 minutes in between stations and then had an extraordinarily difficult case at the hospital...

but no worries, because I'm going to see Crowded House tonight!


Awk. Ward.

Before I start, The Comedian needs a new pseudonym. I don't know why, but I'm not loving "The Comedian" as a nickname any more. He shall heretofore be referred to as 'B', for reasons best known to myself.


Last night, I met B (formerly known as The Comedian) at Artisanal to celebrate Week 4 of this little dating experiment that we've been involved with. I kissed him hello, sat down, and glanced over at the next table, only to see a profile that looked a lot like LawStudent. Then I heard the profile speak, and confirmed (mentally) that it was indeed the guy I briefly dated back in March. I debated saying something, and think I felt him looking at me at different points during the night, but as time went on, it became more and more awkward to acknowledge this, and he left without us speaking or admitting that we had seen each other.

Smallness of NYC aside, dinner was ridiculously good. Things with B are ridiculously good. And, in the interest of full disclosure, I *may have* called him the b-word this past weekend. But don't tell anyone.



I was woken up this morning by someone ringing my doorbell...but by the time I got out of bed and made myself somewhat presentable, they were gone.

Upon leaving my building, I noticed a huge sign/rant taped up in the lobby.

Apparently, the gates that have been down for the past month at the closed dry cleaner across the street have been concealing rennovations to that building and its conversion to a wine bar. As neighborhood residents, we (the tennants and I) were supposed to be notified of this development and informed of the public hearing date related to the new business.

We're supposed to call and register a complaint with our local community board.

I'm REALLY glad that I didn't answer the door this morning, as I suspect it was my wacky building super, looking to commiserate on the evils of the wine bar. 'Cause I'm kinda psyched about having a new place to hang out...



Because I am crazy, I am naturally distrustful of anyone who is too nice to me. I am inclined to think that there are motives involved, or that something sinister is in the works. In fact, it's only after knowing me for a very long time that you can be completely sincerely nice to me without it setting off any alarm bells.

So it surprises me that my reaction to The Comedian has been a positive one. Because the niceness? It's pretty constant. (Well, as constant as it can be after only 3 weeks.)

He asks about my day and listens to the response. I mention, in passing, the new Harry Potter book, and he gets one for me. Even though he's a Mets fan (which I've magnanimously agreed to overlook) we're going to the Yankees game on Saturday. He wants to meet my friends, and gushes about me to his friends. He's already made super-secret dinner reservations for my birthday, which is a month away. When I stay at his apartment, my favorite cereal, soymilk, and coffee are available in the morning.

The biggest thing, though, is that he actively thinks about me. I had a semi-strange cardiology appointment on Tuesday, and he left a business lunch to call me to check how it went.

I'm still shying away from the g-word/b-word. But I'm guessing he'll be around for a little while.



So...the weekend in Vermont. Incredible and restful, as it always is. I was constantly reminded during my time up there how amazingly coincidental it is to intersect with people in your life in ways that feel small (at the time) only to end up hiking down a mountain with them and realizing that they are some of the closest/most important people in your life.

About that mountain: It was completely gorgeous and strenuous and challenged my assumptions that I am in good shape. We reached the summit after about 2 hours of uphill climbing, ate lunch and took in the incredible views...and watched (and heard) a thunderstorm approaching. Climbing down was a bit of a scramble to get under cover from the rain, all while trying to be careful on the slippery rocks. The storm was over before it began and DJ, LS and I distracted ourselves from our exhaustion by rapping for the remainder of the descent (BC and BG had the good sense to ignore us).

The rest of the weekend: chilling on the roofdeck, eating the yummiest of yummy foods, a 4 mile run, some shopping...oh, and a cancelled flight. I guess the weather was pretty severe in NYC on Sunday, because our Monday morning flight ceased to exist and we had no option for coming home until Tuesday (fine with me, probably not okay with my employer).

So we rented a car and drove through Vermont and Upstate NY and into the city. And rather than being an annoyance, time in the car became one of the highlights of the trip. (Although, I might feel differently than others, because I bailed and went to work, leaving the rental return to DJ and LS.)

And now, I'm back to my regularly scheduled NY life...