toilet paper, site meters and letting go. there is no such place as "almost really happy" arh

when i moved into the city a few months ago i told hrr that i was so excited to live near the kmart so i could buy my paper products in bulk. that earned a look and a "why"? i said that i liked knowing that i wouldn't run out or have to make fifteen trips to the store to buy one roll at a time. as i analyze this exchange i realize it's not about paper products. i mean it is, but it's not. so after a long analysis (that i will spare you) freud says that the lawyer has a problem living without a safety net. safety nets of all kinds, paper products, people, places, etc. it's like i'm 35 and still have the training wheels on as i navigate my through many parts of my life.

which leads me to site meters. did you know that every time you visit a blog/journal online that your visit is tracked by the ip address? did you know that every place you go on the blog/journal, and every search that you do, is also tracked? i did not know this. i learned something new. the hard way. let's say, for example, that someone that you have had a relationship with (any kind of romantic relationship of any length of time)has a blog/journal. while you are part of their life you are given full access to the blog/journal, you like to read that
blog/journal and sometimes you're a part of it. it's cool, it's fun to see your name on the screen. now let's say that you break up (assume like all break ups it's bad. even good break ups are bad. if they weren't then you'd still be together). as part of the break up you are asked not to visit the blog/journal. you listen. for a while. then, because you're a real f***ing cowboy, who either doesn't know about, or worse, doesn't care about, the big brother site meter, you visit the blog/journal. and sometimes you're even selfish and arrogant enough to search for your own name. this all translates to "you have a really hard time letting go of the past and living in the present."

which brings us to the letting go and taking the training wheels off. what i have learned, and pray that i will continue to follow as faithfully, if not more so, as i have over the last 48 hours, is that if you don't like the view then you need to change your seat. if there is somewhere/something/someone else you would rather be then go there, or at least try to go there and see what happens. and if you don't make it there then you need to make the best of where you are and not look back. you cannot recreate the past and chances are that where you are is actually a pretty good place to be. enjoy it.

an example of not letting go is you reading a blog/journal of someone who asked you not to. on top of it, you're actually hurting someone that you supposedly care about because they see it every time you log on. you get access to their life, but they get none to yours. and all you're doing is staying stuck in a really unhealthy place and not moving forward. don't get me wrong, in this hypothetical situation, the letting go and moving on really, really hurts. you want that someone/something/somewhere to still be in your life, even in this completely detached and dysfunctional way. but it's really the feeling that it gave you that you're holding on to, not so much the actual someone/something/somewhere. and you can't get that feeling again, for real, if you stay in that place.

so you do the right thing and you say goodbye to the blog/journal, you say goodbye to the someone/something/somewhere, you take the training wheels off and ride downhill with no hands into your future. of course, you may hit a rock and fly over the handle bars and break your arm and scratch up your face, but, maybe not.