A scorched earth policy is a military tactic which involves destroying anything that might be useful to the enemy while advancing through or withdrawing from an area. Apparently a translation of Chinese 焦土 (Jiao Tu), the term refers to the practice of burning crops to deny the enemy food sources, although it is by no means limited to food stocks, and can include shelter, transportation, communications and industrial resources...
Roiphe, New York Magazine:
There is something that happens when you burn your entire life down. The feeling is raw, close to the bone, jangly, nervous, productive.
(And seriously, I know that these are sourced wrongly. I'm out of practice since grad school ended. Bite me. I will, however, apologize for the randomness of this post.)
Along with the sickness and the race anxiety, and the other anxieties, I've been thinking a lot about tearing down, specifically related to the Ex Fiance. I'm not sure why he's cropping up now - perhaps because April is the time that I finally left for good, for the last time. Or maybe it's because the half-marathon is near our old neighborhood, and I half expect to see his face (or other faces that I left behind) along the race route.
Mainly, though, it's about that wonderful, ugly tendency/propensity of mine to destroy. There's something ultimately thrilling and terrible about watching yourself tear down your life - it's so extreme - yet, all of the times that I've done this, I can recall a detached numbness, followed by intense joy. How else can you describe the feeling of issuing a gigantic FUCK OFF to all of your carefully laid plans?
I don't know why I let the bullshit get to me, when really, all I should be leery of is the halfway.
3 comments:
Scorched earth?
What an evil thing to do.
Especially in this day and age. This earth of ours is getting scorched enough as it is, without man and his horrific weapons interfering ...
try melatonin. when i was fighting through my bout of sleeplessness, after trying wine and other over the counters, my pharmacist said to use it. it's nice, makes you drowsy without the medicine ick and i sleep through the night. start now a couple nights before the race and you'll be great.
Darlin', I say give it all the dustbuster! Tear that shit down! It's one of the only things still beautiful about living in New York City -- that you can drop everything & reinvent yourself as often as you like. And you're right: It feels utterly euphoric every time. Kind of like that runner's high you'll be having soon... Can't wait to see the shots of the race.
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