I spent a few hours on the phone today with a friend who is in the midst of ending her 4 year relationship. She is in the unfortunate position of being The Dumper. Most would say that this is easier, but she and I know the truth - it's a million times more difficult. Her girlfriend has done nothing outwardly wrong - aside from a few annoying character traits which I (mostly) tried to avoid discussing today. My friend is realizing that safety and comfort aren't the only components of a relationship.
Because everything is eventually All About Me, I am going to segue into my situation 8 years ago (and OH MY GOD, it's been 8 years?).
The Set Up: I met T during my first month of college, thought he was cute, and spent much of the second semester of my freshman year drunkenly following him around. Finally, on his 21st birthday, I had my opportunity - he was wasted. Using all of my considerable charms (read: boobs), I lured him back to my dorm room. Well, it was either my, um, charms or the dorm's proximity to the bars relative to his off-campus apartment, no small consideration in Syracuse in November. Poor, hapless T realized too late that this one night would thus obligate him to be my Boyfriend for the remainder of college.
The Flash Forward: T and I have graduated, and are living in Hoboken. College has never really ended, because a) even though we are employed, we're still very poor b) all of our college friends also live in Hoboken c) we all go out at least 4 nights per week and d) still talk about the same things. Aside from the rest of our lives being caught somewhere in 1993, T and mine's relationship has 'matured' into my parent's marriage; on the nights that we are not out with friends, we sit on the couch, silently flipping through the channels, and going to bed sometime during Letterman. Not surprisingly, I am starting to get freaked out and bored with this arrangement, which causes me to alternately nag T as to why he hasn't yet proposed OR pick fights about stupid shit that doesn't really matter anyway.
The End: A flirtation at work turns into a lunch invitation, which I accept. Although nothing happens, I feel so guilty that I decide to break up with T while he is in Wheeling, West Virginia on a business trip. The next 6 months are a nightmare blur of warring friendship loyalties and an apartment lease which we cannot break. By the way, sharing living space with a recent ex? Not recommended.
The Lesson: I know what my friend is feeling right now (see? I got back to her). I remember being absolutely terrified the night that I broke up with T. I knew I was letting go of something certain and uncomplicated for a future that was unpredictable. T was the safe bet, but I didn't want him. And 8 years later (OH MY GOD, 8 years!) my heart is bruised, and I'm alone, and I still doubt that I have ever really been in love, but the one thing that I am sure of is that I made the right choice. I could be sitting on that same couch, waiting for my life to start.
Even crazier is the fact that T's birthday is tomorrow. I need to e-mail him.
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3 comments:
dumb: thanks for reading. i enjoy your blog, even though i can't always follow all the craziness; reminds me too much of my days on corporate world.
Hmm... Yea, it's no fun being the dumper, but at least it gets easier the more you do it. I suspect that being the dumpee is just as difficult each time.
By the way, how did you ever remain friends with T?
g8s: it took a long time for t and i to be friends, and even now, that friendship is tenuous. i guess time heals all wounds????
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