Goodbye, Jammer

Last night, I broke up with someone. This person had been known, and will heretofore be known as 'The Jammer' due to his former membership in a 'jam band' and his tendency to initiate and participate in irritatingly long 'jam sessions'. [It should be noted that I hate jamming in all its iterations. It should also be noted that during the first occasion we spent time together, he became involved in a jam session, and had to be threatened (not by me) with my departure lest he cease jamming.]

I'm making myself slightly ill by even typing the word 'jam/jamming' so many times.

The conversation was very short, and I'm not even sure it could be quantified as an official break-up due to the fact that we never established a formal relationship. Also, due to the fact that I'm not even sure he knows my last name, what I'm studying in graduate school, or the color of my eyes. Seriously.

I explained that we weren't connecting on the levels that are essential for me in any relationship. Also, for whatever reason, that we weren't able to find anything to talk about (and no, Jammer, your 'horniness' and/or 2:14 am text messages related to said 'horniness' do not count as conversational topics) even though we are both interesting people. That I felt that he is a nice guy, and I appreciated knowing him, but did not want to continue to date him (and once again, no, Jammer, an invitation to your apartment at 2:14 am is not a date).

Nice enough, right? Succinct. No finger-pointing.

In fairness to The Jammer, I believe he was taken aback by my declarations, as I think he felt that our interactions were going along just fine. So, he wasn't prepared. He began by repeating back everything that I said to him. In school, we call this 'reflecting' and it can be a valuable communication tool. However, when there is reflection and no summarizing or responding, it becomes evident that the person is not hearing/listening/processing anything that you are saying. Then he decided to get aggressive.

'Well, I'm not going to browbeat you into staying with me.'
'I figured there was something going on inside your head.'
'So, what do you want me to say?'

Excuse me, asshole. I'm not asking to be persuaded of the worth of your company, nor am I playing a game so that you'll beg me to stay or declare your love for me. Ideally, we'd have a conversation about what I've told you, but I don't require that you agree with me. I was angry, and was about to vent that anger, when I realized that this situation wasn't worth it. I could present a list of things that he did wrong, and maybe we'd debate that for a while. But who cares? When you take away the stupidity (on both our parts) and yes, even the jamming, I meant what I said: there were missing elements which were not being met. I make time for the people in my life who know me and support me, who listen to me without judgement and who are willing to travel with me as I find my way. It's as simple as someone offering to make alcohol-free plans during the next month, or asking me how an assignment turned out.

And it's as complex as realizing that I hate jamming.