Intractable

I'm feeling a little...complicated. I want to rage and scream and howl at the world. I want to sit for hours in silence in the safe space on the cool tile of my bathroom floor. I want to be in a crowd. I want to play sad music and sob until my eyes swell and my throat aches. I want to laugh in the sunshine. I want to be numb. I want to be alone.

I get out of bed at 6:00 am and run along the Hudson, letting the wind dry the tears from my face, hoping for exhaustion, a blessing, some relief. I ignore my phone and my doorbell. I sit at my window ledge and look down at you. I let the night into my apartment, leaving the lights off and watching the shadows grow longer on the floor. I wrap myself in a blanket and curl into a ball.

I can't control the world, other than this place I carve out for myself.