Hubris

I was feeling great yesterday morning. I had actually slept through the night for the first time in two months, my shower had been warm instead of lukewarm/cold, and I was excited for my trip to Boston. As I exited my apartment building, I had a smile on my face, a smile which remained during my walk to work.

Wow. [Insert deity] laughed at me. And then [deity] might have kicked me.

It's funny how what you believe to be true, or important, or steady in your life suddenly gets turned on its head. How in a moment, the things that you think define you get swept away, how your self-image can change instantly and you wonder if everything that existed before was real.
This is what this summer has been like for me - a feeling of happiness, that my world is actually falling into place, and then Bad News. Starting all the way back in May, this summer has been all about knocking me back on my ass, challenging my ability to cope and to see the big picture. I've felt like I'm being tested, to see if the skills that I've developed over the past couple of years are still working. Can I change my course, change my plans, redefine myself once again?

Yesterday, I got fired from The Hedge Fund. And I never even saw it coming. And I sit here, in my friend's beautiful house in the suburbs of Boston, awake way too early for the night we had last night, and I try to figure out what happened. Was it Pirates of the Caribbean, exacting her final revenge? Or the Yammerer, friendly to my face but secretly plotting to get rid of me? Did they go into my computer and read this blog?

I wonder if these excuses are a defense against the truth: I hated it there, it probably showed in my work, and wasn't doing a good job. I wasn't concentrating. I was spending way too much time on the internet, or text messaging from my phone. Whatever the reason, I am done.

And so here I am, knocked back. I wonder if I should just take some Advil and go back to sleep. Or try to figure out my next move - do I take the next two weeks off? Go back into (shudder) Temp World? I know that this setback is minor, that it doesn't really matter, and so I'm stunned that it has affected me to this degree. And at the same time, I happily realize that I am lucky. I am so, so lucky. I have amazing friends, who, upon hearing the news yesterday reacted with support, empathy and humor. Some engaged in theories as to why I had been let go ('you were too awesome for them, and they were jealous'). Other shared stories of their own previous firings. And some gave big hugs, and promised distraction for the weekend.

And you know what? I'm starting to smile again.