Book Club

I only had time yesterday to run to Barnes and Noble after work, grab a copy of 'The Memory Keeper's Daughter', and then skim the first chapter whilst in the B&N cafe, devouring a rice krispie treat. (I have no excuse or discernible reason for not having purchased/read the book during my vacation, or at any point during the previous month while I was not working.)

Due to my lack of preparation, it was only fair that all of the major plot points of the book were revealed during the discussion, including this gem: 'I just can't figure out why [the author] kills off [the main character] at the end of the book.'

Ahem.

Quite Contrary

- After a week of acting like a surly teenager, I am now sitting on my couch, missing my family and wishing I was with them again.

- I went to work today, and it was amazing. I never thought I'd have a job like this.

- Due to a lack of caffeine in my household, I was forced to visit Starbucks this morning, where I couldn't seem to just get coffee, but went for the Grande Mocha and Oatmeal Banana Bread. Damn you, Starbucks!

- I didn't have the heart to tell 'Blanco' that his monumental efforts at styling and shaping my new haircut would not be appreciated by the masses tonight, unless you count the people I walked past on the way to my apartment.

- I've happily continued my trend of eating hummus and Wheat Thins for dinner.

- My SIL was right about that dress at Banana Republic being useful someday when I had nothing to wear to work. And when I say 'someday', I mean 'Monday, August 28th'.

- Beach attire and business casual are very far away from each other on the clothing style continuum.

- I have not heard from the ARH and I have a weird feeling that I am never going to see him again.

I Just Walked In The Door...

...and I think I start my new job tomorrow. That is, I've been cleared by Human Resources to start my new job tomorrow, but have not received 1) an official letter which offers me the job/clarifies my salary/initiates my union membership OR 2) a return call from my supervisor indicating my start time.

I am in desperate need of a haircut and a pedicure. This has very little to do with my job, but I feel it ties in with 'general preparedness' so I'm mentioning it here.

Along the same tangent, I don't think I have any coffee in the house and I'm not sure what I'm going to wear to work.

Also...

I'm starting a new list called 'Unsolicited Opinions of Ridiculouschick's Character Traits, Offered By Someone She Is On A Date With.'

So far we have:

Reserved (Old Man)
Obstinate (Musician)
Not Italian, Irish (Leprechan)
Kooky (Just A Friend)

Gotcha

Ok, I lied.

I'm not on the beach.

Today is L's surprise baby shower. This blog was used as a part of the scheming (non-evil variety) to keep my trip to Boston a secret. However, as of last night, approximately 7:03 pm, the gig is up. Were you surprised, L? Did it work? Because I'd hate to think I manipulated my readers for no good reason...

[The Reporter just pointed out that I didn't completely lie, as I am in a place that starts with 'B'. Good one. ]

We'll be celebrating today with most of the girls (sadly, The Librarian and Nashville are missing) and lots of food. Because what you really want to do is bulk up before spending a week on the beach.

Time on the beach, for the record, will begin with a long-ass car trip tomorrow morning at 6:00 am.

And I swear I'm not lying about that one. Honestly.

ridiculouschick, out!

Ok people, I'm outta here.

I'm off to sit on the beach for a while, and to not think any more deeply than to worry about my tan lines.

My heart has experienced some contusions this week, but that always heals...and I'm not sure it's my heart we were dealing with anyway.

Holla!

I'm beautiful like me.

The Good News

I do not have tuberculosis.

My past employers are able to write coherent references (which was in some doubt with JC at TelecomCompany).

With a few minor changes, I can accept the proposal of the random stranger I met on the C train today ('If you get rid of tattoo and nose jewelry, you can be my wife.')

I will be on the beach in less than 48 hours.

Yesterday...

...All my troubles seemed so far...no. No. Fuck that. All my troubles were pretty much right there, staring me in the face. Mocking me. All. Day.

Luckily, my quasi-trauma was mitigated by a lovely afternoon yoga class with Cliff, who is fast becoming my favorite instructor. And then a really funny conversation about toilet-papering with The Lawyer, and high school reminiscing/internet smackdowns/boy advice with MC. And following that, a dive-bar night out in Soho (in which 3 separate people asked me directions - sadly, I was of no help, but hey, psyched to be asked) with The Leprechan.

And I didn't even stop to get pizza on the way home. Imagine that. My thighs are thanking me even as I type.

Doing The Limbo

I have a confession to make: I'm no good at waiting. At heart, I'm a planner. I live by my calendar, my appointments, and my schedule. As much as I'd like to be a fly-by-the-seat-of-my-pants kind of girl (what does that mean anyway? pants?), I can't let go of my need to organize and obsess.

Lately, my life has been all about passing time. Everything feels like it is on delay. I can't start my job until I pass the physical exam, the tuberculosis test, and the toxicology screening. I can't go on vacation next week until I am sure that the above requirements have been met.

I stay home, and I suddenly want to be outside. I go out, and then all I want is to be back in my apartment, buried under my covers. I call friends to talk, but just want to be left alone.

This is a strange and beautiful time.

Little Ms. Crankypants

No sleep. Employee health worker at Dream Job attempting 5 tiimes, in 5 different spots, to find a vein from which to draw blood. PPD in my arm that is slightly oozing. A 2 mile walk through Manhattanville (the A train does not stop at 96th street - go figure). Immobilized right arm from the last of my Hepatitis B vaccinations. Hungry. Over-zealous GNC employee trying to sell me vitamins, chewable acidophilus, herbal supplements, and protein drinks. Long line at the grocery store. Apartment hallway smelling suspiciously like vomit.

History and Mystery

At what point do you talk about your past with the person you are dating? When can you be sure that your ugliness/their pity won't permanently frame the way that this person sees you? Do you really want to look into someone's eyes and know that they're seeing the person that was? How much of that girl is hidden until you tell them? When do you stop erecting the walls and dancing out of reach? Can you trust them? Can you trust yourself?

In any event, it's too complicated to figure out tonight...

Continued...

Excessive drinking is also an excellent way to dumb yourself down.

The Exception to the Rule

I'm generally concerned with trying to turn my brain off. I tend to over-analyze, over-think, and complicate even the most simple situations. Sleep used to be an excellent way to achieve thought-free bliss, but that's not happening much lately. Perhaps a lobotomy is included with the health benefits at my new job? At some point in my life, I'd just like to be dumb and happy.

This morning, though, I've realized that there is an area where my stupidity can excel. Dating turns me into an absolute fool. Correction. Dating someone that I really like turns me into an absolute fool. I become so idiotic that I could probably be called Fool and The Gang, because my lack of common sense is Just. That. Large.

Case in point: I went out with Anti-Robin Hood last night and couldn't stop kissing him. In public. And we were sober. Given that I usually mock overly-affectionate couples, this is quite alarming. I also couldn't seem to complete an intelligent sentence or stop looking at him and grinning. Everything about last night is kinda hazy, except for when I finally reigned myself in, had a semi-graceful panic, and abruptly left his apartment around 1:00 am.

Oh Snap!

Ok, I kinda love The Lawyer. I mean, she's one of my closest friends, so of course I love her, but it's stuff like this that makes me really, really love her. Maybe even want to be her for a little while.

The Setup: A friend of a friend, G, was seriously flirting with The Lawyer while at a party this past Saturday. Things have been, um, boiling between then for a while now, so The Lawyer asked G to meet up for a drink at some point this week. G replied that it sounded too much like a date, but that she'd be up for 'some fun'. Since The Lawyer is on a quest for non-committal sex (she calls it her 'holy grail') she replied that this would be perfect for her. G then proceeded to hedge and waver between suggesting that they 'make out' and telling her that she was still hung up on her ex-girlfriend. After going back and forth most of the day via e-mail, The Lawyer responded:

'I stopped thinking about this 3 hours ago. You’re all over the place. In one email you would make out with me. In the next email you’re telling me that you can’t predict your mood. In another email you want to have fun. Your vacillating feelings are overwhelming and I don’t want to deal with it. I’m not comfortable with the fact that you’re a different person to me every five minutes. And besides, what makes you think that everything is about you? This is not entirely your decision. I have a voice in it as well. I wouldn’t have even addressed the issue on Saturday but you seemed pretty willing. And the part where you screamed sexy to me when I was on the phone with M while you were in the cab gave me a clue that you may have wanted something. However, that will not be happening.
I don’t know what kind of women you’ve dealt with in the past but I can assure you that I don’t play these types of games. If you’re head is not together then by all means take whatever steps you need to get it together. I certainly don’t want to see you emotionally distraught over anything. So we’ll see each other when we see each other. I still like you. You’re funny and sometimes have interesting things to say. You’re a good acquaintance and fun at parties. We’ll continue as we have all along.'

Sum, Parts, Whole

1. I made the unfortunate decision to weigh myself this past weekend after eating all of Boston. It was quite unpleasant. This is why I don't own a scale. And also why I had an apple for dinner last night.

2. Apparently, all of the arm strength that I've built up over the last several months can suddenly disappear if I skip yoga for a week. I couldn't even get halfway up into a headstand last night.

3. At Big Daddy's suggestion, I spent much of my time in Boston trying to 'dumb it down' (he's convinced it will improve my dating life) with moderate success. Just need to subtract the vocabulary and add more hair twirling.

4. Honeychild also contributed her theory: 'Make his personality your personality. You are a blank slate and have no interests of your own, other than doing shots or watching SportsCenter.'

5. MM might be moving out of the 'hood, which devastates me. I can't possibly be expected to walk longer than 5 blocks or get on the subway for our weekly ridiculousness.

6. I believe I am going to join my family at the beach, even though this summer has been one long vacation with bouts of job hunting thrown in. Plus, who could resist spending a solid week with The Peanut?

7. I am currently waking up around 6:15 each morning without the aid of an alarm clock, a fact which remains constant regardless of my bedtime. I'm sure this will change in a few weeks when I am working, and will be dragging my ass out of bed at the last possible minute to run for the subway.

Hmmm

Very unexpectedly, I started sobbing at the end of yoga tonight. Luckily, we were in Savasana, so I don't think anyone witnessed my breakdown. Which is good. I like to keep my occasional craziness confined to my home. Or my blog.

I'm not sure what this was all about. Perhaps it was the slight fun-weekend-hangover I've been feeling all day, or the ton of hip-openers we did during class.

Home!

Honeychild and Big Daddy are amazing hosts. That being said, I am truly happy to be home today. I'm sitting on my couch, drinking iced coffee, listening to iTunes and writing.

The only way this could be better is if I had remembered to buy toilet paper and cereal last night...

L is for Loser

Sometimes I amaze myself with just how sad I am.

This morning, I flipped on the television in the guest room where I am staying. It hadn't been on since I stumbed to bed in the early hours on Sunday morning, where I vaguely recall watching about 15 minutes of...something...before I passed out. The television is currently on the same channel. Which is Lifetime.

I'm so glad to be entering this new phase of my life. Apparently, I'm a sad, middle-aged woman with too many cats who enjoys 'Television for Women'. Gah.

Booty Vortex, Geek Vortex

On Friday night, after a shitty 6 hour bus ride up to Boston, Honeychild, her husband, and I went to a local pub to see Georgia Overdrive, who "play the best (and some of the worst) classic country from Merle Haggard and Johnny Cash to Glenn Campbell and Johnny Paycheck, paying homage to the great songs and artists of country music songs about truck drivin', heartache, and Pabst Blue Ribbon beer".

(By the way, Honeychild's husband has a new moniker, and shall heretofore be referred to as 'Big Daddy', at least for the purposes of this blog).

The band was really entertaining, and we amused ourselves further by looking over the other bar patrons and attempting to figure out if they had been there since happy hour (in most cases, it was readily obvious: eyes at half-mast, rumpled business attire, stumbling). The bar was very crowded when we arrived at 10, then cleared out around midnight (most celebrants left to pass out, or vomit, or both). Around 1:30, Honeychild and I were sitting at the back of the bar, while Big Daddy was off performing his unofficial social duties as the mayor of Davis/Porter Square, and the bar got super crowded again, with people stopping by on their way home from somewhere else. We were still listening to the band (and I was hoping for an introduction to the lead singer) when we found ourselves surrounded by a whole new cast of characters.

These boys were very drunk, slightly geeky, trying to hook up, and not at all subtle about any of it. We named some of the more interesting contenders: Samurai Lumberjack (ponytail on the top of his head, beard), The Lizard (platinum-dyed hair, disturbing stare), Mr. Clean (bald), Striped Shirt Guy (um, striped shirt, bad sandals). A few approached, and we did our best to rebuff kindly. I got trapped in a conversation with The Russian, who told me that I had 'big eyes' and that I reminded him of his 10th grade math teacher, whom he wanted to 'bang'. Honeychild was accosted by Mr. Clean, who walked up, kissed her hand and then stood there and said nothing. Most of them just stared at us, and there might have been some winking or smiling. Hard to tell through the laughter.

After enduring about 10 minutes of this, we spotted Big Daddy talking to the band, and we escaped the vortex to hang with them. Which was infinitely better.

Guest Post By Honeychild

Hello Babies! Honeychild is so honored to be guest blogging today. I’m 34 now. Officially in my “mid-thirties.” Had a fantastic birthday that turned fantastically ugly just after midnight.

My girl ridiculouschick came up to Boston to celebrate her new job and my new gig with the righteous funk band Booty Vortex. Got some badass gifts from my family (a red rubber dress can only be described as bad ass), went for a hike, had a delicious lunch, then headed out to the club. The gig rocked. (Or more appropriately, it funk’d) The band sounded great and lots of friends turned out to celebrate with me. That’s where the trouble begins - many friends wanting to buy Honeychild shots for her big birthday. What’s wrong with free drinks you say? Honeychild isn’t much of a drinker. But birthdays and post-gig adrenaline have been known to paralyze the judgment of even the most conservative people.

Here now are some of the lessons learned on my 34th birthday:

- Don’t do shots (especially 3 different shots, especially when you don’t usually drink more than a couple glasses of wine a week)
- Don’t mix shots and gin and tonic
- Don’t do all of the above in the span of one hour

Thankfully, the lovely ridiculouschick and my very understanding husband were there to hold my long, curly locks and coach me through a very painful 3 hours of retching, during which I distinctly remember:

- Hearing “Time of My Life” on the radio, feeling my stomach turn, retching again, then screaming for someone to TURN OFF THE FREAKING 80’S STATION!
- Telling my dog Stella that “Mommy is drunk” and then begging someone to remove her from the bathroom in a lame attempt to protect her opinion of me

So, I spent my 34th birthday acting more like I was 24…okay 14. Good friends got me into it and good friends got me out of it. Friends are good, Maker’s Mark is bad.

Celebration Tour

I arrived back in NYC last night (where was the apocryphal rainstorm they were predicting?). I'm off shortly to Dream Job HR to receive a formal job offer, negotiate salary, start date, etc.

Then it's onto another bus to Boston to visit Honeychild, celebrate her birthday, and rock out to her band.

When The Going Gets Tough...

...I go to the beach.

I'm leaving this afternoon for the Jerz shore. Given my badly sprained (and self-doctored) taped-up thumb, the pending collapse of my bathroom ceiling, and the sweltering humidity - I'm out.

PS: The Lawyer says that my apartment karma is so bad that I must have been a slumlord in my previous life. Heh.

Virgo

I am a Virgo. While I do not possess all typical Virgoan traits, I thoroughly embrace neatness and order.

This morning, to my great dismay, I woke to find water pouring out of my bathroom ceiling and tiles. It was even more upsetting to go charging upstairs to discover the source of the leak, and to have my neighbor answer his door clad only in his dingy underwear. I raced back downstairs (throwing up a little in my mouth) to find water seeping into my living room. After locating a bucket and placing all of my towels on the floor, my Super entered the apartment, assessed the damage, and told me nothing could be fixed for at least a week, so that the beams and the wood could dry out. I did the only thing I could: escaped to MM's where we spent the day on her couch, watching movies and bemoaning our cramps.

I'm home now, contemplating the soggy mess on my bathroom floor. Do you think if I go to yoga, the bathroom elves will have this cleaned up by the time I get back?

Uh Oh

My brother just called to invite me over for dinner. The Peanut is making dessert. When I asked if I could bring anything, he replied 'Your liver. Let's get our drink on and celebrate.'

Sunday Morning

Last week was extremely ridiculous, even by my standards. It was so ridiculous that last night, I was in bed by 8:30, and asleep shortly after that.

Monday: LK and I met up with her close friend, The Photographer, at El Centro for 'a drink'. Which turned into several drinks and dinner, followed by hanging out with MS, whom I called on my way home and cajoled into coming downstairs to smoke with me.

Tuesday: Late night craziness at my apartment with The Librarian.

Wednesday: Dinner in the 'hood, drinks at The Snug (which finally opened, yay!), champagne at The Renaissance, more drinks at Vintage.

Thursday: Book Club. (and no, we didn't ask or answer any of those discussion questions.. We mostly drank wine and deconstructed the latest US Weekly.) Then onto The Phoenix, followed by Bamboo52, and Posh. At Posh, I was unabashedly mean to a Sweaty PR Annoying Guy who just wouldn't go away. So I got meaner and meaner, and he still didn't leave us alone. Huh.

Friday: Dinner with JP to discuss the recent events between us, his hurt feelings at my non-attendance of his cocktail party, the woman that he is in love with in Boston, and the woman he is dating in New York. Feelings are soothed and the wine was good. Then off to Flatiron Lounge for a 2nd date with Anti-Robin Hood. It was good. Very, very good. Frighteningly good.

Saturday: 9:00 am train to Jones Beach. Sun, sand, gay men in satin jumpsuits, Lance in the water 99.9% of the time, Coronas from the beer man, hilarity.

I think I'm going to pause next week and spend some time at Long Beach Island. I need a break.

Happiness

Thank you to everyone for your congratulations and good wishes. And to MM for the awesome Rod Stewart 1983 concert t-shirt which I'm currently wearing for the second day in a row. And to MM and Lost Girl for indulging in Renaissance Diner champagne last night (horrible, just horrible). And to MS for jumping up and down on 9th Avenue with me.

THE BEST NEWS EVER

I got the job.

Waiting

So, The Librarian graciously agreed to come over tonight and help me 'cope'. Because nothing sucks more than waiting. For news. About a job that you really want.

And after several margaritas, we just went to the trusty corner deli and bought
(2) 40 oz. Coronas
(1) Vanilla Silk Soymilk
(1) pack Camel Lights

Let the games begin...

Weird

I'm feeling so strange. MM thinks it's very entertaining, because I'm crazy. I feel elated at the possibility of the Dream Job, but also trying to keep everything in check in case I don't get it.

This makes for a strange space in which to live.

Yup

In the words of The Official Band of New Jersey, 'I've seen a million faces, and I've rocked them all.'

The interview was great. And on the way out, I ran into an acquaintance from graduate school who works there, who volunteered to put in a good word for me. The Interviewer said I would be notified on Wednesday.

I'm off to sit in the sun with LK. Maybe have some Coronas...

The Dream Is Alive!

My 2nd interview with Dream Job is scheduled for Monday morning at 10:00.

What do I do? Well, first blog, then continuous shower.

Breathing Room

I just spoke with Agency #2, and they want to check my references. And the position would not start until August 1st.

All readers, please direct any psychic energy that you possess toward Brooklyn, the Dream Job HR department and the Dream Job hiring manager.

I'm off to take another shower...

Working It

Just woke up from a much needed nap to discover a voicemail message from Social Service Agency #2, offering me a job. Crap. I mean, great. But crap. This is SO my second choice and I'm still waiting to hear from Dream Job. Do I take this offer and then quit if I get the other job?

I think I'll take a shower and think about this. Because when you have a difficult decision to make...you shower.

It's Not The Heat...

Yeah, that's right. I'm going to talk about the weather. Because, well, everyone else is talking about the weather lately, and I need to be just like everyone else, all the time.

You'd think NYC was under some kind of siege - what with the stalled subway lines, and the 'interupting this program to bring you a special report', and the cooling centers, and the heat indices...I haven't yet seen any signs of disaster-type shopping (you know, people loading up on bottled water, loaves of bread, and US Weekly) but then again, I've been avoiding convenience stores and supermarkets in a misguided attempt to Eat Out Of My Cupboards and Save Some Money.

I don't want to suggest that everyone is crazy, that this is just hot weather, and that I am immune to it all. For the better part of the past few days, I've been holed up in my apartment, cranking up my air conditioning and hoping that there won't be a blackout (although, if there *is* a blackout, it's certainly not my fault). I have to admit that I have been watching the news and looking at the weather maps with a certain sense of grim determination. When I have ventured out, I've seen people striding by who are barely breaking a sweat, and those who look like they might collapse at any moment. My particularly foolhardy moment was choosing to attend a 90 minute yoga class last night. I was a sodden, collapsed mess.

Oh well. At least I was smart enough to decline an invitation to a cocktail party this Thursday, hosted by my friend JP that I just hooked up with, and very possibly attended by A. Awkward!

Job Update

I just spoke with the Social Worker at my Dream Job, and I can only hope that I didn't sound as stressed out and nervous as I felt.

The good news: she wants to bring me in for a 2nd interview.
The bad news: she is also interviewing two other people, and she has space to hire two Social Workers. One of us will be voted off the island. Also, she is waiting to hear from her HR department, so she is not sure when the positions will open up.

She asked if I was currently working, and I said that I was close to receiving an offer from another agency (which I am). Does playing 'hard to get' extend to employment opportunities?

Haiku

of course we hooked up
prosecco at 1 am
will do that to you

oh lovely shame-walk!
up 10th and past the convent
good morning, sister

oh [your friend] loves you
MS sing-songs in a taunt
no, he just loves sex

Action

Well, I guess one possible way of figuring it out is to randomly hook up with one of your closest friends...

Comfort Is The Enemy Of Progress

I'm reflective lately (no, not with mirrors) and I'm examining my patterns, and the walls and the nests that I have built, and how much effort I've put into maintaining that comfortable space within and around my world. I'm happy, but I know I need to reach. I'm taking the risks, but only by half. The center will not hold forever.

This doesn't mean treating this summer as my own personal version of 'The Bachelorette', or, conversely, withdrawing into myself. The trick is to let people in (calm it down over there, Groomzilla) in a way that feels right to me.

I just don't know how. Any ideas???

Trust

It has recently been suggested to me that I have trouble letting people into my life. Last night, I was described as 'reserved'.

And then there's my horoscope for today...

Nobody is an island -- it's an obvious statement to say that you need relationships to get you through life. Other people provide the acid to your base, and can often be a perfect sounding board for your ideas. But in order to make the deep connections you need for total honesty, you must develop trust. The only way to do this is to take a risk and let someone in. So reach out today -- lower your drawbridge and invite someone to cross your moat.

Coney Island

Yesterday, The Librarian and I went to Coney Island to celebrate her birthday...

...with hot dogs and cheese fries. I've been eating a lot of hot dogs lately. Maybe I should turn this into a career.



...and funnel cake. Mmm, sweet funnel cake.



...and crazy-ass Grandma fortune tellers. You can't really see it, but there is an empty bottle of Bacardi in the booth with her, and she has a lazy eye.

Fabulousity

Well. I had planned to regale all 10 million of my readers with tales from Ju's bachelorette party, which was held last night at The Soho House. I had hoped to post of pictures of the roof deck where we had dinner, or share gossip about canoodling famous people. I had at least thought that I'd be able to share my outrage at drink prices. Nope. Nada. Photography is forbidden due to possible Page 6 leakage, it seemed that there was nary a celebrity available for my reportage, and beverages were no more costly than in any other bar in the city.

We had a lovely dinner, followed by sedate cocktail drinking in the lounge, ending with a cab ride back to Hell's Kitchen and gravy fries at the Renaissance Diner. Actually, the most exciting part of last night, at least for me, was that I had somehow managed to coordinate a $10.99 dress and a $10.00 necklace into an outfit worthy of Soho House fabulousness. Oh, and that in that dress, I didn't inadvertently expose my chest in public.

Things I Am Not In The Mood For Today

1. Coffee with no Splenda and no ice. And no-one to blame but me for my Splenda-less and ice-less state.

2. Crappy, half-assed apologies from a friend who blew me off last night, and who has been blowing me off for the better part of the past week.

3. Laundry.

4. The kind of frantic apartment cleaning that comes from the realization that a) I haven't cleaned my apartment in a really long time, b) I have 8 people coming over for dinner and drinks tonight, and c) I have another friend staying with me for the weekend.

5. Coffee with no Splenda and no ice spilled all over my coffee table. Ha Ha.

6. Slightly aggressive e-mails from potential dates via match.com, asking if I've 'disappeared'.

7. Thoughts about why I've let my apartment get so dirty. I'm not working, and I'm obviously not cleaning, so what the hell am I doing with my life?

8. A slight nicotine and alcohol hangover.

9. A broken iPod and a frustrating conversation with customer service about my expired warranty.

10. Sunshine, honking horns, and people who won't get the fuck out of my way on the sidewalk.

Community

Thanks, MM!

This is the sound of one voice
One spirit, one voice
The sound of one who makes a choice
This is the sound of one voice

This is the sound of voices two
The sound of me singing with you
Helping each other to make it through
This is the sound of voices two

This is the sound of voices three
Singing together in harmony
Surrendering to the mystery
This is the sound of voices three

This is the sound of all of us
Singing with love and the will to trust
Leave the rest behind it will turn to dust
This is the sound of all of us

This is the sound of one voice
One people, one voice
A song for every one of us
This is the sound of one voice
This is the sound of one voice

Wailin' Jennys

Perspective

Just back from New Jersey (is there an echo in here?). Again. My SIL's mother was suddenly hospitalized early in the week, so she went home to Connecticut to help with the crisis. I stayed with my brother to watch The Peanut while he went to work.

[Note to Self: May be wise to curb those thoughts about having a child on my own at age 35. I could never do this alone, and my niece is the most well-behaved child on the planet.]

I've spent the past few days laughin' and goofin' (her words) and watching Barney far too many times, and Eskimo kissing, and doing bead projects, and hearing 'love you, JoJo', and splashing in baths, and listening to the elaborate stories The Peanut concocts on her way to falling asleep in her 'chib' (her words). Despite the exhaustion, we've had fun. And in the back of my mind, this has felt like an extended playdate, rather than my SIL's family emergency. My niece breaks my heart with her innocence, the way she says 'water' (wager) and 'little' (wiggle), the way she clings to me just after waking up in the morning. It's very likely she is going to lose her grandmother ('amma D) soon.

I ache for her, for my SIL and for my brother.

Dream Job

Just got back into the city after an idyllic time in New Jersey (ponder that for a while) on my parent's deck, barbequeing and playing with The Peanut.

I have a huge job interview tomorrow. This position would be a great opportunity for me, and would fit perfectly with the career that I want to develop. I can't even write much more about this for fear of the jinx.

I'm already starting to feel jittery.

Lazy Sunday

Oh! It's July. This means that I absolutely need to check my horoscope. Other than a 9:00 pm showing of Superman Returns, my only other agenda item for the day is sitting on my couch and nursing a cold. I hate summer colds. They seem to linger more than other colds, and they just feel wrong. If my nose is running and my head aches and my cough sounds like something that belongs to a chain-smoking 80-year-old, and it's December - fine. But when it's bright and sunny outside? Wrong.

Friday night, had an awesome dinner in Fort Greene with DJ & BC *and* got to drool over their super-cute new apartment. I think I need to move to Brooklyn.

Yesterday, had an awesome (really need to stop using that word so much) day at Jones Beach, and an even better time eating dumplings and drinking gin & tonic in Miss Margaret's backyard garden (alcohol generously donated by MS & Groom, leftover from the wedding), followed by a bizarre foray into the Meatpacking District with the aforementioned grooms (during which we received roughly 1,274 dismissive looks, probably based upon our beach attire/bags) to meet up with my high school friend for a regrettably brief encounter after which I returned home and took the second best shower of my life (the first) and fell into bed.

Random Thought: Would it be appropriate during a job interview, when asked what my biggest weakness is, to tell the interviewer about my overuse of the word awesome?

Nerds

So, MM and I are sitting around and having wine and veggies and chatting and talking about yoga. And she says (regarding yoga poses) 'You know what we're really good at? Savasana.'

And we both laugh so hard that we almost peed.

Do you know what Savasana is? It's only the easiest pose in yoga as it basically involves laying around. The translation is 'corpse pose'.

Also, saw 'Wordplay' tonight. I love the Crossword nerds too!

Thank Whomever You Pray To

I'm feeling a strange sort of contentment right now - my dishwasher is chugging away in the kitchen, the air conditioner is working, I'm eating grilled shrimp and edamame, and I've made plans to go to the beach on Saturday.

Even better, I have a job interview tomorrow morning at 11:00, and another lead on a temporary job in social work, and yet another lead for a Coordinator position through a friend. For those of you keeping track, I've applied to 27 jobs at this point, so I was beginning to despair of ever hearing some good news.

Mother of Invention

I have some awesome ideas to make my life easier. And I think you'll agree that they would benefit mankind too.

1. The Weighted Straw. Did you ever notice (TM Seinfeld) that straws don't work in carbonated drinks? The Weighted Straw (TM) will solve all of that. The bottom of the straw would be thicker than the top, and the straw would stay upright, thus ensuring smoother sippability (TM).

2. The AromaShower. An aromatherapy disk that would attach to your showerhead. Several useful settings included - Anger, Insecurity, Fatigue, Depression, Lonliness...anytime you feel any sort of emotion you can just hop in the shower. Clean both your body *and* your mind (TM).

3. The Attached Sheet. The flat sheet would be sewn to the fitted sheet, thus eliminating both the two-step process of making the bed *and* the dreaded middle-of-the-night toe exposure due to Untucked Sheet (TM).

I know these ideas are Genius, so I'm expecting you all to keep this a little quiet, m'kay?

To Love Somebody

I know that my words cannot adequately describe MS and Groomzilla's wedding this past weekend. I've been thinking about how to write about this, and I can't. Let's just say that it made me believe in the love that surrounds everyone, and the love between two people that are made for each other.

I Have Hope

If I ever decide to 'tie the knot', I'm doing it here. Awesome.

I Just Don't Get It

Why am I single? I ask this question a lot (usually in self-mocking after I've done something particularly stupid) and never have a satisfactory answer.

Personality? Awesome.
Looks? Awesome.
Intelligence? Awesome.
Sense of Humor? Awesome.
Swimsuit Competition? Awesome.

But today, that question becomes extraordinarily tricky. I chose this humid, 87 degree day to make meatballs, a process which requires slow-cooking on my stove for at least two hours. I just tasted the product of my labor and I AM THE BEST COOK THAT EVER WALKED THE FACE OF THIS EARTH.

Balance

This morning, as I carefully pour Splenda into my iced coffee, and measure out my Special K with Protein and Vanilla Silk, it strikes me as funny that I am being so careful with my diet, because I ate an entire box of Milk Duds at 1 am.

Riveting

So it turns out this not working thing? Doesn't really make good blog fodder.

Seriously, nothing going on here.

1. Reading. I returned 7 books to the library on Monday. I had read all of them since my previous visit on Friday. My post-grad school rule: if the cover has bright colors and the content requires no thought, I'm checking it out. [Also, I don't know why, but other library patrons like to ask me questions, usually about how to use the computer. I must have 'MSW' tattoed on my forehead, because their inquiries always lead to personal disclosures. Example: I demonstrate the magic of Google for the man next to me, which leads to a discussion of his prior felonies and the confession of his dream of becoming an x-ray technician.]

2. Yoga. I sweat a lot. I wonder what yoga is going to be like in August when it is really hot outside. I try to do a headstand without using the wall. If Cute Yoga Guy is there, I think about asking him if he wants to get coffee after class.

3. Internet. Check e-mail. Check socialservice.com, idealist.org, monster.com, nytimes.com. Read other blogs. Read archived 'Grey's Anatomy' recaps on televisionwithoutpity.com. Check e-mail. Check job sites again. Check e-mail. Send resumes. Edit my cover letter.

4. Walking. Walk around my neighborhood. Walk up 9th Avenue until it becomes Columbus. Walk to Central Park. Walk across town. Walk downtown to Chelsea. Walk along the Hudson River.

5. Fret about my bank balance.

6. Call people. Get voicemail. Text people. Get no response.

7. Look out my window. Listen to the 24hour party taking place just beyond my front door with its various cast of characters who are perpetually drunk, stoned, or both.

8. Nap.

I Am Employed

This weekend, DM pointed out to me that I *do* have a job this summer. Your job, she says, is Working It. I think she was referring to my, um, social schedule, which has been unusually full lately, and thus is starting to feel like employment. Her commentary (which was and is hilarious, btw.) took place on the 8:05 am NJ Transit train to Little Silver, Saturday morning.

Friday was supposed to be an early night, but I had a somewhat traumatic date (details to follow), that I needed to analyze afterwards with MM and a large jug of white wine on her roofdeck. I would add that I sampled her miracle acne treatment cream while I was there, and thus walked home through my busy neighborhood with large spots of white medication all over my face. MS was on his way home from Ray's Pizza, and when I went downstairs to chat with him for a few minutes, took one look at me, cracked up, and asked what the fuck was all over my face.

The next thing I knew, I was climbing into bed at 3:30 am, and setting my alarm clock for 6:45. Blurg.

The beach, however, was a welcome retreat from the city, and aside from another traumatic experience with NJ Transit later that day (details to follow), Saturday was lovely.

Yoga

I love yoga. I just figured out why I love it. There are poses, and you find your own way, your own comfort within the pose. Any when your instructor comes around and adjusts you within your pose, I never get the feeling that I've done it wrong. The adjustment just feels like something I've found on my own, that feels even better to me.

There are few things that I can do in my life that aren't impacted by the outside world. Yoga is one of them.

Red Hook

I am sitting on my couch this morning, very contentedly sipping Fairway Brooklyn Java coffee and eyeing the pile of laundry that is threatening to overtake my apartment. The biggest point of satisfaction is that I obtained the coffee without having to battle rabid geriatrics on the UWS. This is because I spent the day in Red Hook yesterday, and part of the exploration included the new Fairway, which was awesome (note to self: look into possible overuse of the word 'awesome' lately: check with family, friends and job applications).

Red Hook is seriously cool. I imagine the locals were shaking their heads at the sight of me and my traveling companion, clutching our TONY and walking through their quiet streets. Who knew that cruise ships departed from the Red Hook harbor, or that the best key lime pie could be eaten outside by a newly restored pier? Or that the waterfront affords views of the Statue of Liberty, downtown Manhattan and Staten Island (yes, Staten Island!) ? Yesterday felt like a mini-vacation, which was topped off by a bottle of Malbec and a delicious dinner.

I'm kinda starting to love this not-working thing...

All Grown Up

I really hope that you *can't* be arrested for awesomeness. Because if you can, my friends and family are in BIG trouble.

The last of my graduation hoopla was held on Saturday, at my brother and SIL's house in NJ. The New Yorkers braved public transport without incident (except for a near brush with death for MA who dropped his sunglasses and was nearly run over by a car, and the 40 minute wait for the return bus). The weather was perfect. We played bocce and croquet. We ate my mother's homeade cookies like it was our job. We lolled about on the front lawn, marveling at the luxury of green grass and trees. We went through an entire tray of eggplant rollatini, 2 cases of beer, most of a bottle of vodka, and 5 bottles of wine.

I am still overwhelmed by the love and support that I receive from my family and friends. Not to mention the presents...

Okay, back to my regularly scheduled job search.

TMI

Conversation with my Sister-In-Law:

ridiculouschick:...So, I'm dating again.

SIL: Again? Wait, what about that guy you told me about in March? The doctor?

rc: Oh. Right. Yeah, it didn't really work out with A.

SIL: But I thought it was going really well? You really liked him!

rc: Well, sure. But then he went home for Passover and reconnected with his Judaism, And then blew me off. And finally told me about 3 weeks later that he needed to only date Jewish women. Unfortunately, he figured that out after we had slept together...[forced laughter].

SIL: [awkward silence]

Running

Thoughts during my 4-mile run yesterday:

1. I'm going to die.
2. It's really hot out here.
3. The Hudson River does not look at all refreshing.
4. How many times in a row can I listen to 'Crazy' by Gnarls Barkley without actually driving myself crazy?
5. I'm going to die.
6. There's a lot of goose shit on this running path.
7. That twisted, rusty, abandoned pier is kinda cool looking.
8. I hope I don't see anyone I know.
9. Breathe. Breathe.
10. WHEN AM I GOING TO GET A JOB? OR AT THE VERY LEAST, AN INTERVIEW?
11. I'm going to die.
12. Can I walk a little bit now? I think I can walk a little bit now...
13. My music is very angry-sounding.
14. Running is waaaaay easier than yoga.
15. Breathe.
16. I should have worn a short-sleeve shirt.
17. I think I'm sweating Kettle One.
18. The exhaust coming from the West Side Highway is awesome.
19. I'm going to die.
20. I need a drink. Not water.

Moma Rage

On Wednesday, DM and I went to the Museum of Modern Art. In the rain. Along with everyone other New Yorker/New York tourist. It was crowded. It was annoying. Why do people feel the need to take pictures of art? Seriously. Who's going to look at that shit? Chances are, you're just going to bore your friends back home in Ohio with endless slideshows of the 'cultural activities' that you pursued in the big city, sandwiched between shots of the 'adorable' homeless person and the 'really tall' buildings.

I knew it was time to leave when we witnessed several idiots using flash photography (which is prohibited in all museums, no?) and I said, possibly a touch too loudly 'God, just go back to wherever you came from and ruin your own art", a comment which DM tagged as both xenophobic and elitist.

Anniversary

My wedding would have been four years ago today, had not my long-absent common sense intervened and compelled me away from what would have inevitably been a nightmarish marriage. Nonetheless, this is a strange sort of anniversary for me. I'm sitting here thinking about all that has happened since June 8, 2002.

I will choose to spend the day celebrating that narrowly-dodged bullet...

Busy Work

So far today in ridiculousworld:

- Try not to snicker as my yoga instructor asks the class to picture their tailbones (read:butt) rooting through the floor, through the restaurant downstairs to the earth in the island of Manhattan. Somehow, I don't think the good people at Vynl appreciate my ass traveling through their place of business.

- Almost get wiped out by rogue bike messenger who is speeding through the intersection against the light. Reconsider my decision to leave the house at all.

- Use DSM-IV TR Casebook to force extra liquid out of tofu, which is sandwiched between two plates, in preparation for marinating. Spend the next half-hour leafing through the book the find the strangest mental disorder.

- Chat with super as he is taking the garbage to the curb. Sympathize regarding tenants who don't separate their recyclables or tie their garbage bags tightly.

- Call 5 friends and get voicemail for everyone, and then realize that everyone else IN THE WORLD is at work.

- Draw an intricate map in MicrosoftWord which details the directions from the bus to my brother's house in preparation for my graduation party this weekend. Send map to attendees, realize they will now know exactly how much spare time I have on my hands.

- Job search. 'Nuff said.

In Love

I have three new boyfriends...and I'm willing to share.

One

Two

Three

Beer Garden, Kinder Garden

Last night, Groom, MS and I traveled to Astoria to celebrate JV's surprise 30th birthday at the Bohemian Beer Garden. I'd never been there before and was fascinated by the mix of beer-swilling frat boys and Czech locals in the huge outdoor space. Thankfully, it had stopped raining at this point, and we located our friends and grabbed drinks.

While we were waiting for JV to arrive, our muted revelry was interupted by the extremely angry bar manager/owner/wanna-be FBI agent, who had been alerted to the presence of some very menacing cupcakes on our table. Seriously, MA had purchased cupcakes for the party, was refused entry with the cupcakes, the cupcakes were confiscated by the rent-a-cop/bouncer, MA went to plead his case with the bar staff, and MA was permitted to retrieve 4 of the 12 cupcakes which were sitting (rather sadly) on our table. The manager ranted and raved, accused us of trying to have his business shut down by the health department and then stomped away. (Don't worry. We saw him throughout the night when venturing inside to use the bathroom and were the lucky recipients of his glare. Fun.)

JV arrived soon after that and was duly surprised.

I don't really drink beer, and I don't generally eat kielbasa, but when in Rome (or Astoria)...

Playing Games

On Friday night, after a particularly grueling yoga class, I met up with MS and DM for what was intended to be a low-key night. Right. Thanks to the stupidity of the MTA and subway flooding, DM had endured the commute from hell. She and MS had already sucked back 2 drinks by the time I joined them.

We went to dinner at our favorite Thai restaurant. We had more drinks.

We decided that hanging out at Groom and MS's apartment would the best plan for the remainder of the night. We decided this because we are all broke (economical); it was shitty and rainy out (logical); and we've been out and about in the neighborhood far too much lately (local bar burnout).

We played Scrabble and Trivial Pursuit. We surfed various websites. We evaluated my match.com profile. We sampled wine for MS & Groom's upcoming wedding. We made stupid jokes. We kept drinking. We took frequent trips up to the roof to smoke. We discovered what happpens to a Swedish Fish when you let it soak in vodka for two hours. We determined that we have known each other for 16 years. We lost track of time...

...which explains why a) Groom found us dancing around the living room when he got home at 3:00 am, soaked and decidely less enthusiastic about the current song playing on the stereo; b) we finished 2 bottles of wine, a small bottle of Grey Goose, 3/4 of a bag of Trader Joe's soy chips, and about 200 Swedish Fish; and c) I got home at 4:30 am.

Tomorrow

I'm getting internet at home. Ah, the luxury. And just think about how much more creative my posts will be from my couch as opposed to the NYPL or the local Starbucks!

Goose Gossage. Goose Gossage!

Last night, JP and I ventured out to Bryant Park to watch the Yankees play the Tigers. Luckily, my Yankee boyfriend was pitching, they were selling hotdogs and we had contraband Guinness.

I love doing free stuff outside in the city in the summer...

Duh

Striking up a conversation with a stranger in Starbucks who is clutching a large bouquet of flowers, gulping down black coffee and stepping outside to chain-smoke - all in an effort to 'gather his wits' before presenting said flowers to his friend toward whom he 'acted inexecusably badly' last weekend - will not make your day more interesting. It's mostly just annoying.

My So-Called Life

What can I tell you about my activities lately? Life has dramatically slowed down since school ended. But in case you're interested, here's a general daily schedule:

6:45-7:00 am: jolt awake and start to strategize my daily job search
8:00 am: get lulled back to sleep by the ocean sounds on my alarm clock
8:30 am: cereal, shower, Today Show
9:30-2:30 am: Starbucks - apply for jobs, read blogs, check e-mail obsessively, manage to make a grande iced coffee last for 5 hours
2:30 - evening: reading, crossword, yoga, the park

My nightly social schedule is suprirsingly full, but I don't see how that's very helpful in allleviating my paranoia regarding my job search...

If You Can't Feel Good, At Least Look Good

After a semi-crazy night on Sunday, I felt a little...fragile...yesterday when I met up with Ju to go to the movies. Being the kind friend that she is, she even remarked that I looked 'great!' and complimented the appearance of my skin. And then patiently waited while I sucked down a large lemonade and a cobb salad in an effort to cure my half-hangover without the aid of McDonalds.

In light of her comments, I'd like to dedicate this post to my two new best friends:

Lloyd, Lloyd, Null and Void

Please note:

I don't appreciate loud music outside my window at 4:00 am, unless you are holding a radio above your head and professing your love for me.

Thank you,
ridiculouschick

Atlantic City, Baby!

So, after working at the Clinton Community Garden booth during the street fair on Saturday, I journeyed to Hoboken, where The Lawyer and LP picked me up for our trip down to Atlantic City. (Can I just interject to say that I still loathe the PATH? Thank you.)

I have stories, people. In fact, I might even say that I have Stories. Such as:

• The Fainting Lady who passed out in line to the Borgata Buffet, only to be loaded into a wheelchair by security, pushed past everyone still waiting in line and into the restaurant, where she was promptly seated. I need to learn to faint on command, apparently.
• 5 Puking Girls, who were way too drunk, way too early.
• A bazillion Bachelorettes, in requisite cheesy veils and garters, being egged on by their friends to perform ridiculous tasks like body shots and obtaining a stranger's underwear.
• Hatchet-faced Banana Clip lady, yelling at her family, also on the buffet line.
• Angry Omelet Woman, yelling at someone for requesting cheese. (We spent a lot of time at the buffet.)
• Dysfunctional Married Couple at the Depeche Mode concert who battled to determine who could be the most passive-aggressive. (The woman won when she thrust her purse at her husband and he ended up holding it for the remainder of the concert while she danced).
• Crazy Dancer at the B Bar who was dancing and rubbing against anyone who would indulge him, also, dragging chairs over to groups of people so he could gyrate more effectively in front of them.

Of course, I'm including the three of us in the cast of characters. After the concert, we played some slots, downed 4 drinks and headed to a bar on the casino floor. I lost The Lawyer and LP for a while since the bar was playing 'Wild Things' and 'Showgirls' on their televisions, and they were entranced. Who said there were no gay bars at The Borgata?

LP left to gamble more, while The Lawyer donned her homo-invisibility cloak which allowed her to obtain free shots and drinks from a one of the guys who was talking to us. She was also dancing with him, offering him marital advice, and gave him her number at the end of the night. LP and I handled this in a mature way, by bringing her a plate full of sausage at the buffet the next morning, and suggesting that she was permanently changing teams.

And as for me? Well, I might have been hanging out with a cute guy. And then I might have been seen kissing him at the bar. Yes, I might have been That Drunk Girl.

Wed to my Bed

Presumably in anticipation of tomorrow's 9th Avenue Food Festival, there is a porta-potty directly outside the front door of my apartment building. I can't even begin to imagine how pleasant this is going to be by the end of the day on Sunday, what with the hordes of people that come to the neighborhood each year.

Last night, MM and I downed several margaritas at El Centro and then continued on to her apartment, where we ate Nutter Butters, drank the hell out of a bottle of white wine, played Trivial Pursuit, attempted to find the saddest songs on our iPods, and purchased concert tickets (I completely forgot about the tickets until I checked my bank balance this morning).

Tomorrow night, I'm heading down to AC with The Lawyer to see Depeche Mode (which I also completely forgot about until I was talking with The Lawyer and asking her when I was going to see her this weekend, and she called me an asshole and reminded me about the concert).

JP and I are in the midst of attempting to arrange a weekend trip to Ireland this summer. We're anticipating drinking Guinness at the source and flirting with my favorite Irish bartender. Actually, the flirting part is just me - JP will most likely have no part of that.

I also need to: apply for the licensing exam, start doing yoga every day, and find a job. With all of this going on, is it any wonder that I've decided to cloister myself in my apartment tonight? My goal is to be in my pajamas by 7:00 pm.

Stranger by the Day

I'm an official MSW! And officially hung over.

Graduation was yesterday. The reading of the names took forever. My class had 400+ people, and the deans were very concerned with reading everyone's name correctly. It was so...social worky ('Is this the right pronounciation?' 'How do you feel about me reading your name this way?' Do you want to talk about me reading your name?' 'Are you ready to graduate?' 'Are you feeling okay about graduation?').

I had a slight wardrobe malfunction (the strap on my dress broke while I was hugging a friend after the ceremony) which was thankfully covered by my gown.

And now, I'm off to a job interview...degree in hand.

We Are Family

A short time ago, LK and I were talking about friendship and support. (I am now going to totally mangle and mis-remember this conversation. LK, please feel free to correct and comment...). If life can be viewed as a journey, then we need to look around once and a while and figure out who is with us, no matter what we do. We plan our own path, not based upon a guarentee of who will be waiting at the end, but who will be with us along the way. (It's either that, or we move through life as an island, totally shunning all connections and relational activities).

I am just beginning to understand how lucky I am to have an extraordinary support system. I've created a family of my own who picks me up when I fall down, listens to me, pushes me to make the difficult choices, and does not question me when I decide to jump. And I know that the picture will look the same at every stage in my life.

Thank you to all my wonderful, beautiful friends!!!

Goodbye To You

I will not be afraid of falling in love. I will not hide my feelings because they are inconvenient to you, or because they scare you, or because you cannot understand me. I will not put my life on hold while you try to decide if you like me enough to be with me. I will not regret what could have been. I will not make choices based upon what matters to other people. I will not let you define how I should react. I will not look back and wonder why you acted the way that you did. I will not cry over you.

The art of losing isn't hard to master. I'll miss you, but I care about me more.

New York

Current Music: 'Where Does The Good Go?' - Tegan and Sara

I had an interview for a side project on Monday that has nothing to do with my degree. I don't think it's going to go anywhere, and I'm not sure I want it to, and I can't really say more than that because of something that I signed. Anyway...during the interview, I was asked why I live in New York. Well.

New York expects you to give as it takes from you. It's never as simple as just living here. It's loud and rude and lonely and everyone seems to be looking you over and deciding that you're not something enough. It's competitive and rushed and hard. On some days, you might feel like you're stepping out of your front door into a war zone, where you'll encounter the $20 bill monster who lurks on your sidewalk; a slow, crowded, dirty subway car; various micro-aggressions; and overpriced coffee. But if you look closely enough, the city gives in little ways. The teenager who gives up his seat on the subway for a tired mother carrying her toddler. A stranger who takes the time to return a cell phone. The community garden nestled between the craziness of 9th and 10th Avenues that you can access for $5 per year. A woman who stops to ask you about your nose ring and tells you how perfect it looks on you.

I love and hate New York. I don't think I'll ever live anywhere else.

Intractable

I'm feeling a little...complicated. I want to rage and scream and howl at the world. I want to sit for hours in silence in the safe space on the cool tile of my bathroom floor. I want to be in a crowd. I want to play sad music and sob until my eyes swell and my throat aches. I want to laugh in the sunshine. I want to be numb. I want to be alone.

I get out of bed at 6:00 am and run along the Hudson, letting the wind dry the tears from my face, hoping for exhaustion, a blessing, some relief. I ignore my phone and my doorbell. I sit at my window ledge and look down at you. I let the night into my apartment, leaving the lights off and watching the shadows grow longer on the floor. I wrap myself in a blanket and curl into a ball.

I can't control the world, other than this place I carve out for myself.

95% Done

I'm just about finished with graduate school. I have a paper to hand in at 6:00 pm, internship/last class tomorrow, internship Thursday, and then...nothing.

Everyone around me seems to be feeling celebratory. I just want to hole up in my apartment and process everything. Alone.

My friend Megan put it perfectly. When she was in my position, leaving graduate school, "I felt like the madwoman in the attic, and everyone else wanted to be out on the lawn..."

Resilience

We emerge from the hospital ED in the cool breeze of the morning. The street looks so different in daylight.

She's just stopped crying, and her sunglasses hide her swollen eyes.

I check one last time to make sure she is ok, and hail her a cab. As she hugs me goodbye, I notice that she's applied mascara and lipstick. The bruises around her neck can't be covered; they are the visible reminders that her boyfriend (a martial arts expert) tried to choke her to death in the early dawn hours. When that didn't work, he slammed her into the ground and kicked her. He loses, though, because she's beautifully alive.

She adjusts her jacket, checks for her house keys, and steps into the cab with a last wave in my direction. I offer a silent prayer that she'll be safe, and start my walk home.

Faith Restored

Dear Kevin:

Last night you found my cell phone in a cab. Thankfully, you didn't turn it in to the driver, which would have ensured that it would have been buried forever in some ginormous New York City Taxi and Livery Commission lost-and-found. Instead you called the last number I had dialed, spoke with esb, and made arrangements for me to pick up the phone with your doorman.

THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU! While you were speaking to my friend, DJ and I were trying to strategize how I was going to write my mediation paper and go to Verizon and somehow manage to be available at 6:00 pm for my volunteeer shift. Oh, and find $300.00 to replace my phone.

My eternal thanks,
ridiculouschick

PS: You sound cute on the phone. Can I buy you a drink sometime?

Oh, It's On

I just got a dress for graduation! And, owing to my budget and the cost of the dress, this will also be worn to my social work 'gala' and MS & Groom's wedding...

Wisdom, From Me To You

• If you're hosting a gay wedding shower, and looking for theme ideas, googling 'gay wedding shower' will not produce the intended results.
  
• It's an especially bad idea to google this term while at work.
• Old Navy flip flops are not the recommended footwear when walking 3.5 miles to school.
• A long day spent researching and writing a paper is best followed by spending time with an ultra-supportive friend.
• If a Corona and a taco become part of the plan, it's even better.
• Online shopping for a new dress for your end-of-the-year social work gala is a good use of your time.
• Job hunting is a demoralizing process which can paralyze your self-esteem.
• Discussions regarding the state of your current romantic relationship are best left alone until you're averaging at least 5 hours of sleep per night.
  
• When everything in your life after May 4th is undefined and undecided, the best you can do is close your eyes, smile, and take the leap, trusting that everything will happen as it should.
• And maybe smoke some cigarettes along the way.
  

Follow Through

Oh, this is the start of something good
Don't you agree?
I haven't felt like this in so many moons
You know what I mean?
And we can build through this destruction
As we are standing on our feet
So, since you want to be with me
You'll have to follow through
With every word you say
And I, all I really want is you
You to stick around
I'll see you everyday
But you have to follow through
You have to follow through
These reeling emotions they just keep me alive
They keep me in tune
Oh, look what I'm holding here in my fire
This is for you
Am I too obvious to preach it?
You're so hypnotic on my heart
So, since you want to be with me
You'll have to follow through
With every word you say
And I, all I really want is you
You to stick around
I'll see you everyday
But you have to follow through
You have to follow through
The words you say to me are unlike anything
That's ever been said
And what you do to me is unlike anything
That's ever been
Am I too obvious to preach it?
You're so hypnotic on my heart
So, since you want to be with me
You'll have to follow through
With every word you say
And I, all I really want is you
(For) you to stick around
I'll see you everyday
But you'll have to follow through
With every word you say
An I, all I really want is you (For) you to stick around
I'll see everyday
But you have to follow through
You have to follow through
You're gonna have to follow
Oh, this is the start of something good
Don't you agree?

*Gavin Degraw

- You're either with me or against me. Figure it out.

Finals

Curernt Music: 'Murder on the Dancefloor' - Sophie Ellis Bextor

I'm in the school computer lab where I've once again taken up residence. I'm slightly hungover from MS and Groom's wedding shower last night. There are bags under my eyes and a developing pimple on my chin. My cell phone battery is almost dead. My iPod is on shuffle, and that battery is dying too. I have no idea what my hair looks like, or how much smudged mascara I'm wearing. My current attire: a battered t-shirt and jeans that are badly in need of laundering. Since I woke up this morning, I've had a cupcake, some wheat thins and a diet coke. I haven't been home in three days. I miss my apartment. I miss the outside world. I miss my friends and I miss A.

The final finals. Thank god.

Bad Timing

Current Music: 'Roads' - Portishead

I think I'm getting sick today. I thought it might just be job fair jitters, but I have no appetite. I'm exhausted, but I can't sleep. I feel all weak and shaky, like my legs could collapse from under me.

Too bad I have a shitload of work to do...

On The Table

Today, it's all about choices.

• Go to see my friend J's band in Park Slope OR go to the social work building and study?
• Iced Venti Skim Mocha OR Iced Venti Soy Mocha? (the venti is non-negotiable)
• Apply for a job working with the exact population/social issue that I'm interested in which will barely pay my rent OR apply for a hospital job that is somewhat close to what I'm looking for, with a higher salary?
• Go to yoga OR go running?
• Lunch: peanut butter M&M's OR grilled chicken and brussel sprouts?

That's How I Roll

In the midst of the gorgeousness of this past Saturday, I went to the Boat Basin Cafe to meet up with DM and her sister for a few drinks. Because I had spent the morning in the park in the sun, and hadn't eaten much that day, I was a little bit drunk by the time I came home. The funny part of this story is that I was also a little bit indignant.

Picture this: me, attemtping to swagger but there's more stumbling than swaggering, in my new wedge espadrilles and my new jeans (which I wear all the time), sunburned, shivering slightly in my tank top, on the phone with The Lawyer, yelling about how hot I am and What's wrong with him? and Is he fucking crazy? and It's his loss. And this is all taking place among the crowds of people who are waiting to get into various Broadway shows, who are watching me, their unexpected pre-show entertainment.

Good Things

Monday morning, I'm exhausted and a little shaky, so I'm looking for some things to be happy about.

• I am wearing my J. Crew khakis, which haven't fit for the past two years
• There is a lot of coffee at my internship
• The sun is shining
• I'm going to yoga tonight with my favorite teacher, Stacey
• I'm getting together with DJ after that
• School will be over in 3 short weeks

Spring in New York

Current music: 'Unemployed Boyfriend' - Everclear


Last night, The Lawyer and I went to an early movie, and then met up with MS for drinks at the new gay bar in my neighborhood, which is pretty fuckin' fabulous. There's this giant window on the second floor which looks onto 51st Street, so you can sit with your drink and watch the parade of people walking by. Downstairs, there's flavor-infused vodka and a bricked patio area. After a drink or three, The Lawyer journeyed home and MS and I went to Druid's for another drink (I've really embraced this whole drinking thing again, apparently). Over vodka and soda, we had a not-entirely-clear conversation about how our careers are similar in that we both want to save the world (or something close to that, the details are hazy. I'm mean, I do want to save the world, but I think it's kind of a big job, and there are times when I'm not sure that I'm up for that kind of challenge. I'd probably like to have time for other stuff, like a personal life. If I'm engaged with saving the world, do I have time for a boyfriend?). Eventually, we wandered outside, speculating about how The Mosaic building is going to change 10th Avenue, and then stood outside our apartments and talked for another hour [Sidenote: it is amazing when one of your closest friends lives directly across the street from you. Trust me on this.]. All the while, we were surrounded by the fragrance of hyacinths on display at the corner deli.

And as I stood there, laughing and talking, watching the throngs of people on 9th Avenue who were celebrating the warm weather, I figured out that I am the luckiest person in the world. It didn't hurt that I was a little tipsy, had squeezed myself into my new jeans and that I'm in the midst of the start of something very good.

TGIT

I am about to head home after a really busy week. During this week, I saw 7 clients, successfully presented and defended my clinical case to my work colleagues, celebrated DM getting a job (yay!!!), attended 3 classes and went on a date. I also somehow managed to get to the gym every day.

I fear the near future when I no longer have Fridays off in which to recover. Perhaps I should consider negotiating for a 4-day work week, if I ever schedule a job interview.

Better

I took my cranky ass home from work early last night, went to yoga, and had some sushi. I feel much better today. Apologies to:

• L & J...who were very sweetly were making plans to come to New York for my graduation (which, btw., falls on a Wednesday at 2:00 pm and is convenient for absolutely no-one) and were told that I could care less about going to the ceremony if this 'fucking degree isn't going to get me a fucking job that will pay my fucking rent'.
  
• The Lawyer...who received several incoherent e-mails which railed against all of the (imagined) injustices in my life.
• My neighbors...who endured a very loud hour of the 'Fuck You' mix on my JBL iPod speaker system.
• The woman...who I glared at on the subway from 110th Streeet to 59th Street because I felt that she was not respectful of my personal space.
• DJ...who also received some very paranoid e-mails while she was in the midst of accepting a job offer and informing her current internship that she was not going to be working there next year.
• Pretty much everyone...at JFK airport.
• A...who indulged my random musings about skipping the next month of school, not completing my degree, and moving to Vermont.

Welcome to the Jungle

My friend DJ is very sweet. She always thinks the best of people, and hates to even watch anything mildly violent. She goes out of her way to be kind and generous. Sometimes I wonder how we became such close friends, given my tendency to be a bitch most of the time.

But it's times like this morning that I don't question it at all.

We had a 6:00 am flight from Burlington back to New York. When we arrived in the JetBlue area, we marched right up to the express check-in, only to be told that we needed to wait in line to use the kiosk. This obviously made no sense as a) there were three available terminals which no-one was using, b) we weren't checking luggage and c) we hadn't had any coffee yet. I rolled my eyes and stepped to the end of the line. DJ, however, wasn't having any of it. She got in line with me, but proceeded to loudly question the directive of the JetBlue employee, and then verbally accosted the startled family of four in front of us. She continued her outrage during security clearance, onto our flight, and possibly through most of the NYC transit system.

And it was awesome.

Escape

I've been in Vermont for the past two days, and my escape from New York couldn't have come at a better time. I feel like I can breathe up here.

Several friends (JP, DM) will be happy to know that I am officially off the wagon. After 67 days of sobriety, I decided to have an overpriced drink at JFK before our Friday night flight up to Burlington. The drinking has continued for much of the weekend.

I'm currently watching DJ, in her plaid pajamas, freaking out because our host, BC, only has decaf coffee. I might freak out too.
We're plotting to get BC to walk down the street to Speeder and Earl's to fetch some for us.

...and he's going.

I can't really say that I want to return to NYC any time soon.

Monk-E-Mail

I just found the best time-waster ever! If you go to the CareerBuilder website, you can send people a 'monk-e-mai'l. You basically type in whatever message you want, and the monkey says it.

Genius!

And no, I'm not providing the link. Lazy today...

Columbiatches

I just picked up my last stipend check from Columbia. While it's always nice to have extra spending money (which will certainly be appreciated this weekend in Vermont) the amount makes me laugh. The check covers the work I do with my internship. I work approximately 300 hours per semester - this semester will probably be closer to 400 hours - and the check is for $200. This means I am making about .66 per hour. Very rewarding.

Also, there is an extremely cranky man working at the Columbia gym desk who all but accused me of trying to steal a towel this morning. Fucking clown.

I Know What It Is When I See It

Irony: I'm reading 'Getting to Yes' for my mediation class, when it seems that I need to learn to say no.

Good Job, Ridiculous

Sometimes I am the stupidest stupid that ever, um, stupided. And that would definitely include last night, and almost definitely this morning.

You'd think I'd have compiled some kind of wisdom (particularly in the realm of relationships) in my 33 years. No, no, and no.

It's going to be a long day. I have a lot on my schedule, and the rest of my time will be spent beating myself up.

Disorientatedness

I woke at 5:49 am this morning. But I wasn't sure if it was really 5:49 or 4:49, because of the time change. I think my phone automatically switches the time, and it said 5:49 on the phone. My alarm clock also read 5:49, but I wasn't sure that it was advanced enough to automatically switch the time for daylight savings.

Instead of telling myself that it was just early, no matter what time it was, and going back to sleep, I started a quest. I stumbled down the hall to the kitchen, to check the microwave clock. 5:49. Huh. I looked outside. There were people walking down the street who didn't look like they were just coming home from the bars. Hm. It was fairly light out, but the city always looks fairly light to me. The sky was a bluish gray color, which could have been happening at either 4:49 or 5:49.

For some reason, I didn't think to turn on the television, which probably could have provided an accurate reading on one of the local channels. Instead, I crawled back into bed, but I couldn't get back to sleep. This is the way it's been lately - I wake without the alarm at a ridiculously early hour and start stressing out about the end of school and the job market.

So now it's 2:13/3:13 in the afternoon and I'm exhausted.

I think I got more sleep when I had bedbugs.